I have the right to tell my truth

2017-03-27

0108 My heart has inspired me with the idea to publish my story as my real self, and to tell my truth to the world.

My mind is thinking of ways to prevent me from doing that, sending scenarios that are potentially undesirable, but actually my heart is totally unconcerned by these fear mongering programmed thoughts.

0137 thinking. I suggested to my heart that it smashes my mind. But it immediately made me understand that it can’t, that my mind must heal itself and choose to follow.

0200 Ive been thinking about how my mind was so damaged at the end of year 9, and after that I really struggled with learning and remembering. In year 9 everything was just so easy to learn, and then it was suddenly so difficult. I understand that it couldn’t be any other way, but it has made my whole life so difficult, such a struggle. An internal struggle against self sabotage, against suicide, against harming others. I succeeded, but I’m not free of any of those thoughts. I have moved on and on all my life, never sticking anything out to make a career out of anything. I have never stayed on anywhere. I keep healing and changing and leaving. Always abandoning anything I created.

My whole life has been damaged by that experience. I have no obligation to society at all. I have only an obligation to my heart, and I have the right to tell my truth.

Resentment toward family obligations

2016 Sep 12

2350 doing mte process. The shriveled old man came up, and memories of today and anger. And I felt it behind my sternum and a bit lower down. I got an age of six and it came up as being about fear and getting hurt and having my power taken away, having suffering imposed on me. Theres a lot of fear about even more suffering, even from the shriveled old man, fear that the suffering never ends.

2016 Sep 14

0006 continuing mte process.

I felt the emotional feeling in my chest, as last time. And when it came to identify where the pain is stored, the burning soreness in my lower back arose, its located along the horizontal, across the upper pelvis and just above that, across my waist. When the question about age came up I got such a definite 6 it really surprised me, Ive never had that before. Its very stern for a 6 year old, indignant.

When doing the clean-out I met the 6 year old and explained he was allowed to get rid of anything he wanted. He really let go of a lot of stuff and started smiling. Then he was more like a normal kid, not angry.

0034 start shift 2. Now I felt the feeling again and then it arose in my forehead and upper arms and shoulders facing the front, as it I’m pushing against something. I don’t really know what’s going on but I’m a man, not a kid, and its not this lifetime, maybe. I’m not even sure about that either.

Now going into that more I get a real sense of frustration and agitation, I really dont want to do what I feel I have to do. I hate it. I just want to get away from it, but I’m somehow trapped, not necessarily a slave, but by the circumstances. I want to lash out indiscriminately but i am pushing that feeling down because its not acceptable in my culture.

0057 in the cleaning out I got more info about the man. He’s thin and middle aged, and seemingly working in a dark factory. I allowed him to release his anger, and he expressed hate for his family and children which made him have no choice but to keep doing this awful job just to support them. So much resentment. Then he piled all of the things he hated onto the pile to discard and felt a lot better. The other workers weren’t angry when he said that about his family, they understood, but didn’t want to say it themselves. The me guy felt better and even let out a smile after doing that. Now we understand that these life circumstances were required for spiritual development. Necessary guidance, as is my current circumstances.

So I stopped there and didnt continue with section 2 as I kind of got that message and realization anyway. Also I’m really tired and get so drowsy when doing this process.