“Wow, man, what a weird day this was. I had my second last exam this afternoon and I was in such a silly mood. I wrote quite a few joking comments on the exam. By the end of it I just went overboard. I wrote things that I normally wouldnt dream of writing things like that in an exam, but I was in such a silly mood, a good mood. Hey man what’s happening? It must be another one of those good moods, I can feel it. This is the 3rd time in my life. Why were they all this year?
I dont understand what brings them on, although they appear to be coming after I’ve been really depressed for a while. I’m not complaining, theyre such a headrush its incredible. Its probably my hyperactivity, but why is it coming back, and why did it have such a long rest (almost all the way thru tech, high school & 1st year uni)?
This one started with the bird noises on “Of ambience and atmosphere” on 3PBS, starting at 11pm. How weird can things get. Having a high, triggered by bird noises in a Hawaiian jungle. This is getting pretty far out. I never cease to amaze myself with my strangeness. The high started this morning, I realize now, but it wasnt noticeable till the birdies started tweeting.
Another thing asking to be understood. My mood changes are getting more dramatic, but I’m having some good moods and the odd (in more ways than one) really hyperfantastic moods. I cant remember being like this before (which isnt saying much, my memory is shit ). I can only remember being horribly tedious and always being in a pretty average mood, no wild changes, some depressing moods, but no really good moods, just the odd good mood. Never anything fantastic. I must’ve had so much control over myself, and I didnt even realize. I don’t remember much about primary school. People always amaze me with their great memories of their childhood, and I always wondered why I never remembered anything. Here they are reeling off one of their fun childhood experiences, and going on about the good old days when things were simple & life was great. I realize now that I dont remember anything for a good reason. I wouldnt want to. I was a nut of a kid, and this really stuffed my childhood. I never really had any of those good times. The only ones I remember seem to be when I was alone.
I was good at having a good time by myself, cos I didnt get along with any of the normal destructive kids. I still am good at it, I always was, but now Im learning about it. Id always loved being with other people I liked, but I never really enjoyed myself around groups of people cos I was lost at how to do it.
I’m getting a much better idea of what goes on in this little head of mine. I reckon that learning about myself has let me release more of my feelings and let me enjoy my experiences more.
This year and these exams and studying and everything are as every other year, and they seem just as bad, but now they dont feel like theyre my whole life, only part.
I wonder if some memories will come back, or have they gone forever?”
“Ive spent my whole life learning to live alone. Its something I can handle well. Thats why Im different, why I think differently, I had no choice. It was the only way to live with the way I am. Until now Ive never really shared anything with anyone and its a big change for me, totally foreign. Im not in my own environment. Being in love with you has completely changed the set of circumstances Im used to, and I now have to learn to share my life with somebody else, something Ive never done before. I have to change my way of thinking, change the basis of my existence, my thinking, my attitude. I can only do this with your help. The only problem is that I dont know how, and it will take time, to find out, and it will take time to change, to seriously reprogram my brain. I dont even know if it can be done anymore.
I know if anything goes wrong, I’ll go back to my old ways without you, the ways I know well, that have got me this far in life, although not entirely successfully. I consider meeting you a wonderful piece of luck, something that can change my life and myself forever, enter me into new territory, but Im willing to follow where you lead.”
2018-02-05 additional information
I write about the time in my life where my moods began to fluctuate more, sometimes wildly. In hindsight, I know this was due to me starting to release the tight grip I had on my feelings. I was consciously aware of having had placed very tight control over my feelings, yet my awareness was that this was necessary because of who I was, not because of what happened to me. At that time I had no recollection of experiencing any systematic trauma or mind control.
In the passage, I mention reprogramming my thinking. I wasnt then consciously aware that I had survived trauma based mind control. I had no conscious awareness of being a survivor of malicious programming by people who had set me aside as a slave to their agenda.
Yet I am curious about my use of words. There was so much that was going on in my head that I never dared acknowledge and never recorded. It is possible that some subconscious awareness influenced my writing in my very small conscious world.