In 2003, I investigated my attendance in the mid-1970s, at the Observatory Clinic in Melbourne Australia. I managed to retrieve copies of my medical recrods through Freedom of Information. This video linked below presents the documents and their background.
Recently i noticed a lifelong pattern of memories that kept arising. They are memories of when i did something that others didnt like or didnt approve of. Not ones that resulted in any harm to anyone. Memories of seemingly little consequence. But they kept arising.
I know that when something keeps arising in my mind, that it is because of an unresolved issue. But even when i recognised the pattern of the memories, i still was not able to resolve the cause in a reasonable way.
When i asked myself why it would be so important for me to respond to people disapproving of me, trying to make up for things, rather than let it go – i realized that it was about avoiding suffering. I understood that it matched a pattern from my child abuse.
Those who abused me, justified it by telling me that i was bad, that they hated me, that it was my fault. Again and again, so that it was deeply embedded in my mind. I was in a situation that i was not able to escape. I realized that my solution to that situation, was to try to convince the abusers that i wasnt bad, that I was likeable, that i could make it up to them and show i was acceptable. I didnt understand that they were abusing me because they needed to abuse, needed to destroy another person. They probably justified their abuse by saying those things, and engaged in self-delusion. But the reality was that they needed to destroy others, and they chose me – not because of me, but because I was the opportunity presented to them.
So i stuck with that strategy of trying to convince people that were upset with me, that i was good and likeable – by trying to make up for things, by trying to show that I cared and wanted to do what is right, wanted to correct my error. I kept trying to make up for things i had done, that seemingly upset others (or not) – but were in fact trivial. It was even true that i feared upsetting others and often assumed without evidence that i had done that – when i actually hadnt.
It is this one, trying to make up for things i had supposedly done wrong, that was the core of my delusional useless strategy – while always assuming that any problem was due to me. It was my fault, as i was taught by my abusers. Never realizing that it was a misunderstanding, a pointless waste of effort. I would even stay around abusive people so as to practice my useless strategy. Just knowing that someone was unhappy with me, caused me to stick around to try to make amends – as if i had no choice to leave.
Im yet to dig up that part that believes in and uses that strategy. I hope that when i do, i will stop wasting my time trying to please people, trying to make up for negative interactions and make them like me. Instead I can just say sorry. The other person can let me know if they want any compensation, if sorry isnt enough for them. Then I can decide if i want to compensate or not.
Then i can put more of my effort into listening to and following the guidance of my higher self.
These days, self-integrity is really important to me. I will sacrifice comfort, convenience and opprotunity to retain and regain my self-integrity. I understand the consequence of a divided mind – weighing me down with internal conflicts and the energy required to keep track of all the inconsistencies and when to allow or forbid each one.
As a child, i had no understanding of my self-integrity or its value. I was motivated by the experience of the moment. I cared about minimizing suffering and maximizing enjoyment. This meant mentally separating from my body to minimise the suffering of abuse. As the abuse included my head, i also separated from my head, my own face, and restricted my personal space to a small volume within my skull. I created an alternative reality in there to compensate for the loss of my connection to my physical reality. A place to hang out in my mind.
I had been aware of this separation, but recently i became aware of something much more difficult to admit to myself. Not only did i withdraw from the abuse, I participated in it in a way that seemed to me to reduce the suffering. That meant proactively behaving in a way that I believed would make the abusers nicer to me, and it probably worked. Yet it meant pretending to be attracted to, and turned on my abusers, who i found disgusting.
This is not news to me. For decades I have had disturbing ‘flashbacks’ of such appeasement. These were so disgusting to me – an awful experience to have such things arise in my mind without warning. Despite knowing this, I tried to avoid it, to make it go away. I couldnt. I just didnt want to deal with the idea that i helped them abuse me. When I recently admitted that I did this kiind of appeasement, I released a lot of grief about it.
Some people describe this as “fawning”, the act of trying to appease the abuser to lessen the abuse – its part of the set “Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Feign, Flirt” – that describes the different responses to trauma.
PostEdit – A commenter reminded me of “Feign”, and Im adding “Flirt” to the list to make 6. I also think there may be a reason to add a word for hypochondria to the list, as some use that, to guilt the abuser into not abusing.
For me, appeasing the abuser is an extremely offensive thing, its disgusting. Those pedophiles are human scum. Especially difficult to admit is pretending to be attracted to and to act as if I liked the abuser. I understand that it meant less torture, less nastiness from the abuusers. But as a child, i was unable to see the bigger picture, to see the consequences of this. I chose to perform to avoid suffering. I was in a mindset of present experience, and did what it took to make that present experience less awful, less traumatic. I had no awareness of the deep harmful effects in my mind. Only now that I am healing from the abuse am i becoming aware of the unforseen consequences.
I forgive my young self, for doing what he could to lessen the suffering. I will continue with my work to heal all the harm that was done to my mind. It is such a relief to purge these trapped conflicts from my mind.
In early secondary school, i was highly interested in things and spent lots of time in the local library reading about nuclear physics and other stuff. I read sci-fi voraciously.
After grade 9, I stopped doing all these things, and i was lethargic and uninterested. I have concluded that between grade 9 and 10, i had electroshock/ECT forced onto me against my will, and it left me with a permanent brain injury.
The purpose of the electroshock was to wipe my memory of the abuses i was subjected to. But it also took away my self-direction, my capacity to be interested and creative, as well as organized. It was a brain injury of my frontal lobe, and left me to live my life with insufficient capacity to manifest, organize and persevere.
I suddenly was poor at math and academic pursuits. My grades dropped from easily getting high marks, to just passing with great difficulty. I still struggle with math, it was a permanent effect. I have tried to study math to regain the ability and was unable.
It was a massive crime against my whole life and my future success – because the pedophiles wanted to be sure i couldnt make any trouble for them. It took 15 years before I started to recover memories of abuse that made sense of the difficulties and fears i had in my life. And still, most of my childhood memory, before age 14, has not returned. My lack of self-direction remains and I have no choice but to live my whole life disabled in this way – just because the pedophiles chose to permanently sacrifice my mental capacity, to protect themselves from their own crimes.
It seems to me that using electroshock to wipe the memory of victims of child sex trafficking, is something that happpens to many victims, not just myself. Theres no crime that sicko pedophiles will not commit – even destroying their victims ability to live a successful life.
When the lockdowns came to my city, parts of my mind were triggered. In response, i was stressed and on edge. Eventually I got around to addressing the reaction and healing those parts.
I found that the restrictions on my movement triggered some unhealed child parts, because there was a pattern of abuse that involved restriction of movement. For some of my abuse, especially by paying sicko monster strangers, I was prepared for it by being placed in a certain location where I couldnt leave. This restriction of movement was the pattern that my unhealed parts recognized in the pandemic lockdowns. They panicked, as they were expecting abuse and suffering to follow.
Once I was able to address the reaction, by following the emotions to the unhealed parts, I was able to heal them – using closed eye visualizations of the healing process that I typically use. The panic went away, along with the stress of having my movement restricted. Then I was able to appreciate the lockdown – if only for its help with digging up these parts so that I could heal them.
This is my experience and interpretation of men and women physical and sexual abusers in my childhood. It may not match others experience or interpretation, and it may be different for girl victims, especially with women abusers.
In my childhood, male abusers far outnumbered women abusers, but the effect on me was not so one-sided. Women spent much more time with their abuse, and have a much greater psychological effect. Of the mental damage that i have repaired, most of it is from my stepmother.
Men and women generally abuse in different ways, because men are physically stronger than both women and children. Women can overpower only children, and this is only until they get bigger – its not permanent. Women grow up knowing that men will always be stronger, and they must find other ways to be secure from being a victim. For women, the task of staying safe is their everyday life – while for men it is just occasional.
Male abusers typically abuse for a short time, and the abuse is mostly physical. Men need to overwhelm and beat down a child, to get evidence that their victim is totally powerless, and they can feel satisfied that they can achieve this anytime they want. Some are brutal and nasty, some are manipulative about it. But once they have had their desired experience of total victory, they are satisfied and leave – until the next time.
Women are not satisfied with short term defeat of their victim, generally. Especially with boys, who can grow up and then be able to overpower the abuser. Women need evidence theat they are perpetually safe, and can get this from a sense of ‘forever submission’. By persistent manipulation and control over a long period, women can get a sense of security, when their victim genuinely shows they will not fight back or try to get free. Women will stay around to persist with their manipulation and control. It is their goal to take control of the victims mind. They want to be the master of the victim. But this requires permanent access, to be sure of ongoing control.
In more extreme abuse, such as mine, there are psychological methods, such as hypnosis, to set up ways of controlling the victim once they live elsewhere. By phone calls especially, using the power of the voice and pre-installed commands, they can preserve control and their sense of security. In my case, my stepmother was the primary communicator, my “handler” – my stepfather had very little contact with me. It was vital that I always had a phone they could use to talk to me by voice. There was ‘callback programming’, to give me the urge to contact them, and to remain in contact. Text is not enough, it must be voice – or even better, presence. In my case, voice was enough, for many years.
Although outnumbered by men, women abusers make up for it with their persistent manipulation and control.
Definition by Merriam-Webster: “Medical Definition of menticide : a systematic and intentional undermining of a person’s conscious mind : brainwashing“
I have used the term “mind control”, and “ritual sbuse” for such a long time. But I never felt satisfied with their capacity to communicate what i was referring to. I have now searched for, and found what I was looking for. An established term that captures what i want to communicate, but without the baggage that comes with almost all other frequently used terms that are used to describe my experiences – such as mind control, brainwashing, ritual abuse, etc.
So I can now describe my experiences as “childhood menticide”, and be satisfied that this term expresses what actually happened to me.
Generally i refer to myself as a survivor of ritual abuse, electroshock – even this blog has it in the URL.
But really, “survivor” doesnt sit well with me, and never has – because it is only possible to apply it honestly to parts of my life. I am physically alive. Mostly I use it as it is a recognized term that labels me as a member of a certain group.. Many use it to declare that they have overcome their trauma and got on with their lives successfully. I havent had the material success that many other survivors of ritual abuse have had.
“Victim” also does not sit well with me. I could say i am a victim of electroshock, because the damage is irreversible. Its the reason I cant build things in my life. I cannot hold onto anything, i just let go of almost all things i ever had – attachments just fade so easily, and those things cease to matter.. Also there is the stigma of “victim mentality” that has been dragged through the mud, that makes it even less appealing.
Rather than survivor or victim, i prefer the term “recipient” for use with the trauma. I am a recipient of ritual abuse and electroshock brain damage. Recipient places no expectation of any outcome, nor any statement about the severity of its effect. It just states that it happened, and implies that I am affected. I am.
I suppose i will sometimes use survivor as an overall term, for convenience. But not as part of my self identity.
Some pedophile cults include ‘alien theater’ in the abuse of the children. Scenarios of abduction, medical experimentation – things that pedophile sickos like to do – dressed up in alien theater. Tweenagers dressed as ‘grays’. Other costumes and scenarios.
For me, this came out as visions of alien abduction, and desiring to be taken away from my painful life. Especially in my high school and college years, while i still lived with my abusers. Later on, when i started to partly recover from my ECT-lobotomy-induced amnesia, i began to realize that these alien fantasies had no basis in reality, but rather it was due to ideas and experiences placed into my mind during abuse and torture.
I feel lucky that I realized it was all theater. I see many others totally caught up as adults in the belief they were abducted by actual aliens and abuse by them. Some may live their entire life not realizing it was just brainwashing and theater. Perhaps the ECT sabotaged a lot of the brainwashing. But it also sabotaged my ability to live. I recall enough to see that the abusers liked to use theater in their abuse. Not so often, as far as I can see – its a lot of trouble to go to. And only a few, or even just one event, is needed to permanently implant that belief into a victim.
One purpose of the theater is to obfuscate the memories of the victim. When they as adults talk about being abducted by aliens, others just dont believe them and think they are crazy. When they talk also of being victims of sex trafficking and rape as children, and other kinds of torture, they also are not believed, because of the unbelievable things they claim. So the organized crime pedophile gangs sabotage the ability of their victims to later on expose their operations.
In reality, these groups are child sex trafficking organized crime gangs, that usually have some kind of cult aspect. It takes pretty insane people to be involved in child sex trafficking. They go to significant lengths to obfuscate their existence and activities. If they didnt, they would not be able to continue as they are.
For a while I have been aware of how the Korean comfort women have had a great significance for me. But I have until now, not understood it.
Now I understand my connection to this issue. There are not just “comfort women”.
There are ‘comfort children’.
Children, that are subjected to sex slavery to appease the perverted needs of the military.
I have no memory of being subjected to this. But I have such a strong emotional response to the issue. I have now sobbed about this issue, but in the past not understood why I have had such a strong emotional response repeatedly to it. In the past, it just didnt make sense to me. Now I understand.
However, I am not a Korean female. I am an Australian male. A westerner. A member of a society that holds itself morally higher than others.
It seems to me that I was an Australian ‘comfort child’.
Despite being wiped by ECT at 14 and left permanently impaired with very little childhood memory, I retain the emotional pain. I have no memory of it, but emotional pain cannot be wiped, and tells me what my life has been.
My mind identifies Korean comfort women, as those to be admired for their great strength in demanding justice for so long. I greatly admire Korean comfort women for their persistence and strength. They never gave up their demand for justice. They called out when I did not.
Now I am calling out – for all the worlds ‘comfort children’.