Why I tried to stay friends with my exes

Looking back on my life, I see that I usually tried to stay friends with my exes. For so long I didn’t understand why I did this. As I began to heal my relationship wounds, I realized I was trying to stay safe. I tried to stay friends because a part of my mind that feared for my safety was powerful enough to control my actions.

Even after I realized that some of my exes were just arseholes, it took further healing to realize what was really going on. It was my childhood programming.

As a child, I wasn’t free to leave, and I was tormented by women that I had no ability to influence. I couldn’t reject them, or end the relationship. I was forced to be friendly to women that raped, molested and tortured me. I had to, after all they did to me, be friendly, or get punished. I didn’t have to work out the management strategy for myself. It was forced on me.

So, as an adult, my damaged inner child parts continued on this strategy with my intimate relationships. It was the damaged child parts of me that kept me hanging on to contact, usually until the other broke it off. Only when it was obvious they had no further interest in me, could I let it go. And then I enjoyed the relief, at the time a little puzzling, of being free of them.

This was also usually the reason I got into relationships. Often I was just responding to interest from women, from the damaged child part of me. Just as if I was assigned to a woman to serve as her child toy, I allowed my adult self to respond to advances from women. Most of my relationships started like this, and would never have happened if I hadn’t been a survivor of child sex trafficking and ritual abuse. Thats because I wasn’t interested in them, but my programming forced me to comply.

Over time, I got better at not hanging on, not trying to stay in touch. With some I even cut them out while they were still interested in me, which sometimes led to them trying to get revenge for me saying no to them. Some succeeded, leaving me wary of women still now.

Basically, if a woman is attracted to me, I feel there is a chance she is a psychopath. I should be careful not to reject them, but to pretend I haven’t noticed their interest, so that they cant feel offended and then seek revenge. Of course I know most women aren’t like this, and many would be offended at the suggestion. But those women aren’t the kind that have been attracted to me. Energy vampires have been attracted to me.

Ive never had a relationship that wasn’t corrupted by the influence of my damaged child parts. These days, I don’t keep in touch with any ex. I decided to cut them all out of my life, just to clear that issue from my future. Perhaps in the future, after further healing, I may even get to experience a relationship as a human being, rather than as an adult child prostitute. But its not a great priority for me.


They threatened … “You’re very brave”

It is often said to those speaking out about past abuse, “You’re very brave.” Or something similar. As long as it includes the word “brave”, that’s what matters.

I find it very triggering when I hear it, and I have awareness that it was said to me as a child, and it was something to fear.

In ritual abuse, I have the awareness that saying this is a threat. Its not a compliment. It is saying ‘you are very brave to do or say something that you know you will be punished for’. It implies foreknowledge of the punishment assigned to such a deed. It implies that the act was done in defiance, or because of being naughty. The phrase is code, especially when used on adults. It is designed to trigger silence programming.

So when I hear this said to people speaking out about past abuse, I immediately suspect a ritual abuse source. Its not guaranteed, but it is possible until proven otherwise. I know that some parents that are not involved in ritual abuse, use this phrase in this way, I’ve heard it used scowlingly to small children in public. And some people say this as a compliment, in a tone of voice that matches the meaning. The context exposes the intention and true meaning.

My Investment in My True Path

It was brought to my attention, by a language channel’s recent video on how to motivate continued progress in learning (JapanesePod101) – that described tips to assist in learning – that one great benefit to learning a new language is having an investment to lose.

This got me asking myself, as I clearly have made a commitment to my healing path: What investment have I made in my path of healing, that could be lost?

It took a bit of analysis and pushing through some mental barriers.

I must, as a necessity, have made in investment in my true path, for me to continually proceed, with my healing work, otherwise I would not have continued for decades. For an extended moment, I struggled to realize what my investment was. But then, it was clear.

My investment in my path in life was what I had discarded. The opportunities and path in life that I have discarded as options. I have discarded things like career, family, wealth, a good name – many kinds of prosperity I have discarded – but for what?

I have discarded these things because I cannot bear them. In this way, I have trusted the universe to have the wisdom, or at least the foresight, to lay out the best path for me. And I have done this out of desperation – of having every door closed upon me – of having every opportunity thrown in my face as an insult to my value as a human being.

I cannot keep a hold of these socially-valuable opportunities, possessions – these external things – they are so injurious to my peaceful mindset. They are not for me. I didnt control these things. It is more accurate to admit that the universe, life, is living through me, and I am just a vessel for phenomena to express. It is the universe that sets my path and decorates me with the tools and ‘leanness’ to travel my path.

Notes on a guided healing process relating to resistance to healing work

Trigger warning: Brief description of a satanic ritual.

For the first time in quite a while, im doing a healing process guided by tools created by Melanie Tonia Evans. The process involves 3 pairs of shifts.


As I began and searched for what was a significant feeling for me at the time, I went to a feeling that was like a large beach ball sized bubble surrounding my head and arms and upper torso, and it blocks my awareness of my world. And the feeling that comes with it is strange, a kind of shaking or agitation, but not negative, just kind of baffled, shaken, unaware. It’s a strange sensation. And some tears came with the visualization, but they weren’t associated with a feeling of grief. There was a lot of detachment.

After shift 1.1, the feeling that was with me was tension around the base of my neck and it really seems related to hands around my neck, from behind. Im primary school age. At first, not sure if it’s associated with my ‘primary school biscuit choking incident’, but I sense its an adults hands anyway, and im not choking on anything. So its not that. And the tension is like a burning feeling in my skin and muscles, like a Chinese burn feels like.

Starting section 2 (second pair of shifts) about my resistance to what I have uncovered. I found myself as a child, laying on my back, wanting whatever is happening to not happen – I don’t want to experience it, I don’t want to go through it.

I now understand that this is my resistance. The event must be experienced and endured and accepted. And it’s the same for my resistance to the healing work, because that part of me doesn’t want to go through it again, as it feels it is still back there and its really going to happen again.

But im not back there and healing myself is not the same as going through it again. An important realization about the nature of my resistance and stuckness, during the last few months, where my physical health has deteriorated.

So that’s an important realization about my resistance, that my unhealed parts react as if they are back there, and this avoid healing work, as to them, it is no different than the real thing, so they do whatever they can to avoid going back there in reality or memory. My resistance is caused by parts of me that don’t know my abuse is in the past, but believe there is more to come, and any sign of it approaching makes them desperately try to avoid it.

After shift 2.1, I merged with that child me, and he now understands that it’s a memory and so he sat up on the altar in the memory, and according to what was in the visualization, he was sitting on an altar and there were about 10 or so adults there, frozen, not moving, as if time had stopped. The child me in the memory, took the man in the cloak standing behind the altar, holding up a knife as if to stab the child me, and laid him on the altar and got another woman to stand in his place and stab him in the heart with the knife. But they are all frozen in time still, like dummies.

Then I realized that a resistance I have, is wanting revenge. But I know that to take revenge is to undo the repayment and it must be repaid again somehow.

Also, in the visualization, I wasn’t stabbed, so perhaps there was something done to make me think I had been stabbed, or just threatened to be stabbed. Im not sure. I was just a kid, it was easy to trick me. Anyway, that’s my resistance to deal with in this shift. Also, the kid that wants revenge is not the same one as merged with before, this one is a different part of me.

Another thing about this process, compared to past healing work with this tool, is that im concentrating less, pushing less to get that result, so I have more thoughts about other things coming in from outside, distracting me a little. But the process is proceeding anyway.

This visualization of an alter and pretend or threatened sacrifice, is, I think, maybe the second one I’ve had about a satanic ritual, coming up during a healing process. That I can recall right now anyway. The first one came out nearly 20 years ago and all this time I’ve had some awareness of there being more but not recalling anything significant. Interesting. And the feeling of this one is different, less stressful, less terrible. There doesn’t seem to be a dead child in this visualization.

Starting section 3. I had an interesting visualization and merged with the child from the altar, but then there was another me from the altar that couldn’t let go of the need for revenge, even the need to make them stop their crimes. So I had 2 child me’s, like twins, one helping me and one resisting me. The resisting one hasn’t fully merged with me, but is kind of sticking out my left side, still wanting to make justice happen, rather than letting natural justice take its course.

Now in shift 3.2, I have merged with the part that wanted revenge and to stop them.

And then for a short time, I wasn’t sure what was left in the healing process. But a feeling of irritation came to my esophagus. So I will process on that. There is the feeling and also the awareness that something has happened but I don’t know what it was. I just have a sore esophagus and don’t know why. And im aware that something happened to it but I don’t remember it.

Then, after referring to that feeling, I didn’t write about it after the end of the process, so it is left hanging, to be picked up again another time.

A note on the feeling of merging. It is like a shiver in my torso, the same as always. Not sure why its that, but it just has always been like that.

I dont need an excuse to follow my gut feelings

For a long time i tolerated a person that creeped me out, but didn’t do anything obviously wrong. my gut tells me this person is pretending to be a survivor and is one of the most active list member i ha e ever met. But never describing any personal healing work, only referring to doing so. And just come tiny endlessly on posts in a way that just creeps me out.

i dont know if others on these lists react in the same way to this person. I haven’t asked anyone because i didn’t feel justified in my feeling, i didnt have the supporting evidence my mi d demanded.

Now i decided that i have had enough of ignoring my gut feelings! I dont need evidence to support it. The feelings are their own evidence! I can act on them without justification! So i have done so.

From now on I will act on my gut feelings without justification.


So that every time is a re-circumcision


This post contains a transcript from a healing visualization process, used to record the result of different stages of the process. Then it is followed by the interpretation that I established while transcribing. Mention of rape, description of the feeling.









0133 [transcribed from video selfie] I started a MTE track 1 process, and I went to the feeling that was just the right one to go with. And it was just like ok, whats the feeling that is the thing that is to deal with right now? And then it was like, it wasnt actually inside my body, it was in FRONT of me. Right now Im lying on my back, doing that visualization and its like, um, its actually bigger than my torso. And its on top of me like, like my own, like another torso shape, maybe, i dont know if it is actually representing a person that is bigger than me, and Im a kid, im not sure, thats another idea that came up is that its actually a woman, sexually abusing me, but im not sure. So, anyway, when she said to go into that feeling, and, just like be in it, then like, oh, its just black and screaming and awful, and, its like, I can make a distinction between that me going into that bigger energy on top of me in front of me, its um, that me is looking at that, and my awareness is going into that, that thing in front of me and its just black and screaming and angry, and chaos in there. So thats what I see, and I dont know if that is actually, if it is something thats in me or not, but that is, there is some attachment to me, its like sitting there in front of me and its kind of attached there in front of me, its not actually inside my body. OK, so Im going to go and do part 2 now, while i continue on with that visualization.
0139 [transcribed from video selfie] Ok so I went back into that a bit more. its just like a couple of minutes later. And my mind has kept on that same suggestion that Im like a kid and that is a person, I think, that the suggestion from my mind is that thats actually a woman sexually abusing me, somehow its been, Ive been caused to have an erection and theyre having sex with me, and I am, underneath, and Im trying to block that energy, Im trying to put up a barrier, to block that energy from getting into me because that, cos im actually within the zone of that persons energy field, Im trying to block, put up a barrier, to stop that persons energy coming into me. So thats what I worked out. How old am I? 6 or 7 or something like that, Im not sure, but, Im a lot smaller than that person. And that persons core energy is a lot bigger than my body, and it sits in front of my body. The center of that persons core energy is, maybe, 20 or 25 cm above my torso surface. And its like, its closer than 30 cm. And maybe because I was so small maybe its even less than 20 cm. So theyre like, right physically on top of me. And I had the idea come up that my fat belly has, is part of that barrier, its something to do with that, that being the barrier. And theres also the idea that came up that Im actually afraid of sticking, putting my penis inside a, like inside women, other women, because im afraid of what theyre going to do with it, im afraid of it getting hurt, afraid of me getting hurt, and a few fears like that. There seems to be some association with my circumcision, to do with this kind of stuff, but Im not quite sure what it is, but it seems that those abusive people made that association and put that association into me, to make me afraid of, afraid of sex, as part of being able to control it, whatever I did. Ok, so thats, thats what I feel its about. Its just being sexually abused by, adult female that, its, its probably, an, I suppose … While the suggestion was immediately when I was, the first identity suggested was, but I think that its happened with other people as well, but that really black dark screaming energy, I think that is Erna, shes, shes like that. Like, you know, possessed by demons, and awful, awful energy.

2018-03-04 additional info.

While transcribing this text, I understood that this recollection is from a rape ritual. At one point, maybe in an earlier ritual, my circumcision (genital mutilation) was followed by being raped, by a female, to permanently associate the trauma of circumcision, with the act of sex. This ritual is to make the male victim subconsciously associate every sexual experience with the trauma of circumcision, for the rest of their life. That is, to make sex forever a re-traumatization. That is, by the time I was circumcised, I was already conditioned to have an erection on command. That is readily achievable through mind control.

I refer to the guided process as MTE. This and other healing resources can be found at http://www.melanietoniaevans.com

Maybe integration isn’t always necessary

In the last few days I have reconsidered what I want my recovery to be – my reconsideration arises from interacting with someone who has expanded my view of recovery.

Until now I had just seen integration as my goal, without really questioning it, as it seemed the logical conclusion to some healing work that I had done, and had benefits for me. So I just kept incorporating that stage into other healing work without actually questioning its necessity.

Now I think about it more and see that its not directly my goal, but an extrapolation of my goal. My actual goal really is – and always has been – to not have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and other things that sabotage my life. So I ask if I really need to integrate all the broken off parts of my mind – perhaps this mission would be so time consuming that I miss out on expressing with the subsequent productivity that I gain.

Maybe just rescuing them or somehow removing them from their prison is enough to stop their contribution to my life sabotage. As long as they don’t sabotage my life, isnt that enough? I can focus on that and then if I feel integration is necessary to consolidate particular life skills, or to complete the healing work in that instance, then I can proceed with that.

However, I have been here in the past, kind of. I had healed a little, and thought that maybe this was enough, and I could continue with my life. Yet I was still self sabotaging. Now I am more aware and can easily see that the arising of negative emotion and self-sabotaging thinking patterns are an indication I need more healing, and that I cant just overcome it with my willpower alone.

Reconsidering this has really helped me refine my recovery goal. Rather than studiously work through particular steps that have sometimes been really beneficial, I want my recovery to be based on desired outcomes, not procedures. I can decide to integrate if that is required to achieve the desired recovery outcome – and not, if it doesnt.

Bouncing ideas off others and receiving their insight and inspiration, has been so beneficial for me. It is much better to heal within a community of others – than to continue alone as I had been.