Looking back on my life, I see that I usually tried to stay friends with my exes. For so long I didn’t understand why I did this. As I began to heal my relationship wounds, I realized I was trying to stay safe. I tried to stay friends because a part of my mind that feared for my safety was powerful enough to control my actions.
Even after I realized that some of my exes were just arseholes, it took further healing to realize what was really going on. It was my childhood programming.
As a child, I wasn’t free to leave, and I was tormented by women that I had no ability to influence. I couldn’t reject them, or end the relationship. I was forced to be friendly to women that raped, molested and tortured me. I had to, after all they did to me, be friendly, or get punished. I didn’t have to work out the management strategy for myself. It was forced on me.
So, as an adult, my damaged inner child parts continued on this strategy with my intimate relationships. It was the damaged child parts of me that kept me hanging on to contact, usually until the other broke it off. Only when it was obvious they had no further interest in me, could I let it go. And then I enjoyed the relief, at the time a little puzzling, of being free of them.
This was also usually the reason I got into relationships. Often I was just responding to interest from women, from the damaged child part of me. Just as if I was assigned to a woman to serve as her child toy, I allowed my adult self to respond to advances from women. Most of my relationships started like this, and would never have happened if I hadn’t been a survivor of child sex trafficking and ritual abuse. Thats because I wasn’t interested in them, but my programming forced me to comply.
Over time, I got better at not hanging on, not trying to stay in touch. With some I even cut them out while they were still interested in me, which sometimes led to them trying to get revenge for me saying no to them. Some succeeded, leaving me wary of women still now.
Basically, if a woman is attracted to me, I feel there is a chance she is a psychopath. I should be careful not to reject them, but to pretend I haven’t noticed their interest, so that they cant feel offended and then seek revenge. Of course I know most women aren’t like this, and many would be offended at the suggestion. But those women aren’t the kind that have been attracted to me. Energy vampires have been attracted to me.
Ive never had a relationship that wasn’t corrupted by the influence of my damaged child parts. These days, I don’t keep in touch with any ex. I decided to cut them all out of my life, just to clear that issue from my future. Perhaps in the future, after further healing, I may even get to experience a relationship as a human being, rather than as an adult child prostitute. But its not a great priority for me.