Lockdowns and Triggered Unhealed Parts

When the lockdowns came to my city, parts of my mind were triggered. In response, i was stressed and on edge. Eventually I got around to addressing the reaction and healing those parts.

I found that the restrictions on my movement triggered some unhealed child parts, because there was a pattern of abuse that involved restriction of movement. For some of my abuse, especially by paying sicko monster strangers, I was prepared for it by being placed in a certain location where I couldnt leave. This restriction of movement was the pattern that my unhealed parts recognized in the pandemic lockdowns. They panicked, as they were expecting abuse and suffering to follow.

Once I was able to address the reaction, by following the emotions to the unhealed parts, I was able to heal them – using closed eye visualizations of the healing process that I typically use. The panic went away, along with the stress of having my movement restricted. Then I was able to appreciate the lockdown – if only for its help with digging up these parts so that I could heal them.

Child Abusers: Men vs Women

This is my experience and interpretation of men and women physical and sexual abusers in my childhood. It may not match others experience or interpretation, and it may be different for girl victims, especially with women abusers.

In my childhood, male abusers far outnumbered women abusers, but the effect on me was not so one-sided. Women spent much more time with their abuse, and have a much greater psychological effect. Of the mental damage that i have repaired, most of it is from my stepmother.

Men and women generally abuse in different ways, because men are physically stronger than both women and children. Women can overpower only children, and this is only until they get bigger – its not permanent. Women grow up knowing that men will always be stronger, and they must find other ways to be secure from being a victim. For women, the task of staying safe is their everyday life – while for men it is just occasional.

Male abusers typically abuse for a short time, and the abuse is mostly physical. Men need to overwhelm and beat down a child, to get evidence that their victim is totally powerless, and they can feel satisfied that they can achieve this anytime they want. Some are brutal and nasty, some are manipulative about it. But once they have had their desired experience of total victory, they are satisfied and leave – until the next time.

Women are not satisfied with short term defeat of their victim, generally. Especially with boys, who can grow up and then be able to overpower the abuser. Women need evidence theat they are perpetually safe, and can get this from a sense of ‘forever submission’. By persistent manipulation and control over a long period, women can get a sense of security, when their victim genuinely shows they will not fight back or try to get free. Women will stay around to persist with their manipulation and control. It is their goal to take control of the victims mind. They want to be the master of the victim. But this requires permanent access, to be sure of ongoing control.

In more extreme abuse, such as mine, there are psychological methods, such as hypnosis, to set up ways of controlling the victim once they live elsewhere. By phone calls especially, using the power of the voice and pre-installed commands, they can preserve control and their sense of security. In my case, my stepmother was the primary communicator, my “handler” – my stepfather had very little contact with me. It was vital that I always had a phone they could use to talk to me by voice. There was ‘callback programming’, to give me the urge to contact them, and to remain in contact. Text is not enough, it must be voice – or even better, presence. In my case, voice was enough, for many years.

Although outnumbered by men, women abusers make up for it with their persistent manipulation and control.

Menticide: a term for individual mind control

Definition by Merriam-Webster: “Medical Definition of menticide : a systematic and intentional undermining of a person’s conscious mind : brainwashing

I have used the term “mind control”, and “ritual sbuse” for such a long time. But I never felt satisfied with their capacity to communicate what i was referring to. I have now searched for, and found what I was looking for. An established term that captures what i want to communicate, but without the baggage that comes with almost all other frequently used terms that are used to describe my experiences – such as mind control, brainwashing, ritual abuse, etc.

So I can now describe my experiences as “childhood menticide”, and be satisfied that this term expresses what actually happened to me.

Survivor, or Victim? Neither

Generally i refer to myself as a survivor of ritual abuse, electroshock – even this blog has it in the URL.

But really, “survivor” doesnt sit well with me, and never has – because it is only possible to apply it honestly to parts of my life. I am physically alive. Mostly I use it as it is a recognized term that labels me as a member of a certain group.. Many use it to declare that they have overcome their trauma and got on with their lives successfully. I havent had the material success that many other survivors of ritual abuse have had.

“Victim” also does not sit well with me. I could say i am a victim of electroshock, because the damage is irreversible. Its the reason I cant build things in my life. I cannot hold onto anything, i just let go of almost all things i ever had – attachments just fade so easily, and those things cease to matter.. Also there is the stigma of “victim mentality” that has been dragged through the mud, that makes it even less appealing.

Rather than survivor or victim, i prefer the term “recipient” for use with the trauma. I am a recipient of ritual abuse and electroshock brain damage. Recipient places no expectation of any outcome, nor any statement about the severity of its effect. It just states that it happened, and implies that I am affected. I am.

I suppose i will sometimes use survivor as an overall term, for convenience. But not as part of my self identity.

The aliens are not real

Some pedophile cults include ‘alien theater’ in the abuse of the children. Scenarios of abduction, medical experimentation – things that pedophile sickos like to do – dressed up in alien theater. Tweenagers dressed as ‘grays’. Other costumes and scenarios.

For me, this came out as visions of alien abduction, and desiring to be taken away from my painful life. Especially in my high school and college years, while i still lived with my abusers. Later on, when i started to partly recover from my ECT-lobotomy-induced amnesia, i began to realize that these alien fantasies had no basis in reality, but rather it was due to ideas and experiences placed into my mind during abuse and torture.

I feel lucky that I realized it was all theater. I see many others totally caught up as adults in the belief they were abducted by actual aliens and abuse by them. Some may live their entire life not realizing it was just brainwashing and theater. Perhaps the ECT sabotaged a lot of the brainwashing. But it also sabotaged my ability to live. I recall enough to see that the abusers liked to use theater in their abuse. Not so often, as far as I can see – its a lot of trouble to go to. And only a few, or even just one event, is needed to permanently implant that belief into a victim.

One purpose of the theater is to obfuscate the memories of the victim. When they as adults talk about being abducted by aliens, others just dont believe them and think they are crazy. When they talk also of being victims of sex trafficking and rape as children, and other kinds of torture, they also are not believed, because of the unbelievable things they claim. So the organized crime pedophile gangs sabotage the ability of their victims to later on expose their operations.

In reality, these groups are child sex trafficking organized crime gangs, that usually have some kind of cult aspect. It takes pretty insane people to be involved in child sex trafficking. They go to significant lengths to obfuscate their existence and activities. If they didnt, they would not be able to continue as they are.

‘Comfort Children’

For a while I have been aware of how the Korean comfort women have had a great significance for me. But I have until now, not understood it.

Now I understand my connection to this issue. There are not just “comfort women”.

There are ‘comfort children’.

Children, that are subjected to sex slavery to appease the perverted needs of the military.

I have no memory of being subjected to this. But I have such a strong emotional response to the issue. I have now sobbed about this issue, but in the past not understood why I have had such a strong emotional response repeatedly to it. In the past, it just didnt make sense to me. Now I understand.

However, I am not a Korean female. I am an Australian male. A westerner. A member of a society that holds itself morally higher than others.

It seems to me that I was an Australian ‘comfort child’.

Despite being wiped by ECT at 14 and left permanently impaired with very little childhood memory, I retain the emotional pain. I have no memory of it, but emotional pain cannot be wiped, and tells me what my life has been.

My mind identifies Korean comfort women, as those to be admired for their great strength in demanding justice for so long. I greatly admire Korean comfort women for their persistence and strength. They never gave up their demand for justice. They called out when I did not.

Now I am calling out – for all the worlds ‘comfort children’.

Did I really get ECT?

My situation is that I have no memory or records of getting ECT/electroshock. Yet I claim, and speak about myself as having brain damage from ECT. How do I justify it?

Here are some of the reasons why I talk about myself as a survivor of ECT:

  • memory loss from before 15, the time I conclude I had the most recent ECT. Because I can hardly recall anything from before I was 15, before grade 10, I cant know for sure if I got ECT at other times before that.
  • strong emotional reaction to the topic, similar to other topics that relate to ways I have been harmed, such as circumcision.
  • a very significant nightmare, relating to electricity being applied to me
  • guided visualizations where ECT effects were discovered.
  • similar outcomes to known ECT survivors, including not having any recollection of getting ECT
  • like other ECT survivors, I also am not very upset about what memories are lost because of ECT. I have the saying about memories lost by ECT: “You cant miss what you never had”. Thats what ECT does to memories – It makes them the same as never having existed.
  • in late secondary school, grade 10 onward, I was teased by other students about being “stupid”.
  • I recall math being so easy in grade 9, and getting an A without trying, thats my impression of what happened. Yet from grade 10 onward, I struggled to pass most of my subjects, and graduate from high school. Math and some other things) became, and remain even now, so difficult for me. I have tried to learn math, such as matrices and calculus, and was unable to get it. Yet I am able to learn to code – just not able to do it day after day. From my grade 10 progress reports, i see that teachers observed my drop in performance and just noted that I wasn’t trying enough.
  • I have documents from the time I went to a government child psychiatrist clinic in grade 3, and information about that clinic states that it also used experimental methods including electroshock. This time corresponds to all the inner 6 year old me’s that I have dug up and healed.
  • spending a large amount of time trying to organize my life in a simple enough way so I can get my head around it again and again – because I cannot preserve in my mind the plan of my life. (This ability is an executive function that is often destroyed by ECT, and may be a core reason why ECT survivors can no longer work, run businesses, keep on top of personal finances, even take care of themselves properly.)

If I visualize my life as a long jigsaw puzzle, I can follow it back, and see what my experience of life was, what it was like to be there, what was going on day to day, week to week. I dont have all the pieces, but I can see the picture it makes. Then at 15 it just drops off and I have hardly any pieces at all, and theres no way to make a picture from the few that exist. Thats my childhood. Some of the few memories are vivid, but they are so few I cannot recall my experience of life. The drop off in amount of memory is sudden, not gradual, and its at about 15, not about 5. For example, I dont have a single memory of the experience of going through puberty. Not a single one.

ECT is one of the topics I get negatively emotional about, angry about. I dont get upset about all kinds of crimes against humanity, but the ones I suffered make me angry. ECT is one of the crimes against humanity that angers me.

Watching videos made my ECT survivors talking about what it is like for them, and describe other aspects of their lives, lets me know that many of the issues I deal with in my life are shared by others who have survived ECT.

I spend a lot of time trying to organize myself, primarily because I cannot preserve in my mind a complex picture of my life. In high school and university, I tried to organize my studies into folders, and tried to keep lists of what needed to be done. But this was not effective. I was not able to maintain or use the organizing methods properly. My inner life remained a relatively unorganized chaos that constantly interfered with my daily life.

As my life progressed, I gradually reduced that inner chaos by reducing possessions. I found that the less possessions I had, the more I was able to manage them. Eventually, I began to do this with information that I had kept. But there was so much I wanted to keep, organizing it into a hierarchy was not practical, and didnt make that information accessible. Eventually I simplified the format of the information, that is, I collected the information into 2 categories – media and text. All the text became digitized and is collected together. All the media is collected together as much as possible.

This has resulted in a searchable collection, rather than a structured hierarchy. The searchable collection is the one that I can actually use. An example of this, is that it is easier for me to search the internet each time I want to find something out, than to use that same information that I had kept from past searches, that sits in a hierarchy – even if I have a sense that I have already kept that information. I cant do hierarchies well, yet sometimes they are unavoidable.

It took some coding and processing of the information to standardize the formatting, and I dont know how I would have done it if I couldnt write scripts to automate parts of the process. The following descriptions of my inner work is included here because it is part of a searchable collection, which I accessed to dig out relevant parts.

My own mind holds some clues to ECT, including dreams and nightmares. One of these, from 14mar2002 I share here:

In the nightmare, I was riding along a bike path at night, my bike light was nearly flat. A man in a suit was around and when I rode past, he asked me to help him out with a torch, to read some map or something he had. So with that help, he goes up to a power grid facility that was in the park and after looking at it and verbally pointing out some points labeled with a “V”, gets out this chunky insulated electrical cable. He holds it up to certain points, and as he nearly gets it in place I realize he’s going to short something out.

So then I move it fast and ride away as quick as I can, but I suddenly get this strong feeling of being irradiated with some energy, but its so strong its affecting my ability to move. I rush home to my unit which is on the edge of a park, as quickly as I can. A man is running after me. I wonder if there was two of them. I lock my door in fear and grab the phone to call triple zero.

I feel like Im getting fried and my body temperature is rising. Its like the feeling or an x-ray but crippling – the feeling of my entire body being “buzzed” or “zapped” on a molecular level. I try to call triple zero but I cant hear properly or tell if my phone is working properly. When I find that I seem to be talking to someone, I say to him where I am and that someone has done something to the power supply. I can hardly talk, I feel like Im dying.

About the aftereffects of this nightmare I wrote:

I woke up from this nightmare feeling physically uncomfortable, incapacitated. I found soon enough that I wasnt. A rather extraordinary nightmare. I havent had one before that involved so much physical sensation. It was very strange. And the nightmare was about a very strange thing.

At the time I had the nightmare, I didnt understand what it represented, but about a month later when I revisited what I wrote, it became clear that it was about ECT:

I put the dream analysis of my nightmare onto a CD. While listening back to it, I realized that the dream was about electroshock treatment, and the feeling of being zapped is the feeling of getting electroshock. The cable that the man held the 2 ends of represents the electrodes. I was what was being shorted out.

Later on I learned more about ECT, especially how it destroys past memories. In 2004 when I watched the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, I reacted quite strongly to it and I felt that it had disturbed many parts of my subconscious mind, which I could feel being active. I was so disturbed I had to leave my friend and spend some time alone. I dont think the movie is an accurate description of ECT, but I think it gets the message across of what ECT does to memories, except that ECT is indiscriminate with its effects. It really is a matter of indiscriminately killing part of the brain and seeing if that fixes the ‘problem’.

Nore recently, in late 2015, I had another inner revelation about ECT. I was doing a healing process using the tools of melanietoniaevans.com, and I had asked my subconscious to direct me to that location in my body that corresponded to the issue I was addressing.

It is in my heart – solar plexus area, very close to the front, about the base of my sternum. The child there is about 4 or 5. When I asked what it was all about I got some flashes of being in a room scared, but not more info. I then somehow got the understanding that my survival strategy was to break up into pieces and “scatter”, as a way of escaping the bad things that were happening to me. That is the way I have lived my whole life. […] I asked the inner child to take me to the place that shows what happened. He took, me, running, with the environment whizzing by in a blur, to a small room, like a lab, with a central table for a person to lay on. My inner child said “this is what destroyed us”. “This” refers to ECT (electroshock).

[…] One thing I notice from my visualization is that my inner child referred to us as being destroyed. I know I often come up against the belief that I will never get better, never recover, but I keep trying anyway.

I know there are more parts of my mind, tucked away, that have more pieces of this puzzle. This healing process showed me that they exist and can be retrieved.

More came out with another of Melanie’s guided processes in mid 2017. (Not all processes deal with this issue. There’s plenty of other abuse issues that also get worked on):

While I was listening, and didnt really have a particular thing in mind to begin with, I had a strange thing come up in my minds eye, and it was me in the front driveway of Curdies st [secondary school house], looking toward the street, about level with the corner of the house. In the visualization I was confused, and didnt know much about myself. I knew I was Gary and I didnt know why I was there at that moment, I didnt know how I got there. And then a car drove into the driveway. At first it was a random house in […] then I recognized it as Curdies st. The car that drove up had a male driver, he came out, and walked up to me and asked me who I was etc. My eyes were at his neck height. So Im not a little kid. But not fully grown. And Im really vague. Im not sure who the man is. While Im thinking this it arises that my temples are bleeding a little. Slowly I realized in my current self that this is about ECT, and maybe is of the time I was wiped. I cried in my current self while observing this in my minds eye. Yet there was not trauma in the recollection. Just not knowing anything much. Not confused, just kind of zombie like, not able to talk properly. The weather is not cold or warm. Im wearing long sleeves and pants, so its not summer. It is between March and October probably, but not winter either. March April, or September October, I think. The car that drives in is big, but no particular brand or shape. Its wide like the Ford, not the Torana. And not shaped like the Beetle, its sedan shaped. Maybe it was the Falcon, maybe not. […] I was actually in the first person in this recollection. Then I began to take steps to go on there as my current self and rescue the me from that recollection. It really gives me a clue as to how much I was wiped. I could hardly talk. I knew my name but I didnt know how I came to be in that place at that time.

When I began the process a physical pain arose in a very small location next the my spine, just to the right, just below my shoulder blades. Im not sure what it relates to but maybe its something to do with electroshock. Its possible that the spinal column is used to carry electricity to the brain. Im not sure. I still have that painful spot. Its a tensed muscle, and quite small.

[…] I did the second shift in section 1. Another me, not long after that wiping event, came up with strong feelings about being stupid, and being aware of having become stupid and also that I was made stupid by something, but I didnt know what that was. More crying came out over that one. I knew something had happened to me to make me stupid, but later on I had forgotten that anything happened to me.

In mid 2018 I came across, in a visualization, many hundreds of teenager me’s, maybe about 15, that were all wearing very pale blue tops and pants, like yoga clothes or hospital clothes – looking like an army in uniform. In the visualization I had previously found my “trance-breaker”, who instructed me how to break the trance of subconscious parts by touching their left hand with my right hand (The color and the hand touching instructions relate to mind control programming). In my subconscious, I have many children about age 5 or 6, and many teenagers about age 14. Those are the 2 biggest groups.

Following is another part of the healing process, afterward:

So Ive rescued myself, and rose up above that, above my timeline. And Im kind of still agitated, that part of me is still agitated and cant, not really able to communicate, not able to calm down and express whats going on. Hes still really agitated and doesnt know whats going on. Hes really like, I suppose just confused. Part of me suspects that it is a post electroshock state, before that phase passes and I kind of return to reality. Its such a disconnected feeling, such a lot of agitation that goes with it, and with that feeling across my upper chest.

[…] So I did a partial merging with that part of me, it was a bit difficult to do. He was not able to give his permission to merge, or be communicated with at all, so I just went ahead and did it, and got a little bit of the merging shivers and stuff like that. And I felt that agitated feeling while merging and stuff like that. Yeah, quite strongly. And it reminds me of that agitated feeling that I used to get. when I was writing about it I would describe it as ‘I dont want to do anything but I cant do nothing’. It was really just an agitated and disturbed feeling, and this is that feeling, or very similar to it. […]  Im guessing, but not sure – that could be the state of mind that exists after getting electroshock, and before that effect wears off and before I get my sense of reality back.

As I was 15 when I was ‘wiped’, its not possible for me to demonstrate that the ECT took away my ability to live independently and function well, because at that time I was still completely dependent on my stepfamily.

I cant recall enough from before getting wiped, to sense much about what I was like, what I was able to do – not enough to understand what I would be able to do if I was not given an electric lobotomy – without my permission – by what amounts to a serial killer in a white coat.

A serial killer in a white coat.

Mind Control revelation Apr2000

This information about mind control is from April y2000. It now seems to be fine to publish it, whereas in the past it was not fine to do so. Here it appears in webpage quotation block format, but there has been some spelling and punctuation corrections, and [clarifications]. The revealing text that appears to be my higher self talking, is a translation of what was communicated, by a part of my mind that has the capacity, written by me. In the text, it refers to “alters” – these are trauma-induced separations of consciousness – usually by torture, rape, extreme neglect.

The voice in my mind told me these things. The host = the body. The host has not had its own voice since the consciousness split in first year of life. Before the split, the single consciousness = the host, but after, the separated consciousnesses became the selves, with voices or not, and the host, the body simply became the physical carrier.

This explains the relationship between the physical body and the mind, before and after being intentionally split by trauma. The trauma applied to mind control victims is designed to split the mind in a particular way for the purpose of gaining control over that mind. This is unlike normal traumatic life events, which almost everyone has to some degree even if they dont recall it, or are not significantly impacted by it.

The wall of cages with the little me’s in all of them, that I visualized ages ago, they are my multiples, my alters. So if they were all in the cages, who was looking at them?

This refers to a visualization I had about many versions of my young self in cages. I enquired about the consciousness that was looking at those child versions of me – that question resulted in this revelation. A voice associated with part of my mind revealed the following information (the higher self does not communicate with words, but parts of the mind translate its communication into words).

It was I, the voice of the one that knows all, I sent you the image. I needed you to record something, way back then. I chose that image. I needed you to know what happened to your childhood. Yes, you can call me Knower, if you like. It doesnt really matter what you call me. I am here to guide you and your healing. I am the voice you sometimes perceive as your higher self. I know about all the things that have happened to you. I am connected with other things, wider perceptions. I am the one that seems like the wise one, and tells you if you are on the right path or not, if what you are thinking is true. I am sort of separate from you, but I am familiar with all you have been through. I am sad for you, but Im not the source of any of your sadness. Your selves hold a record of all your experiences and emotions. I simply have access to that information, and I am your guide through it. You are making good progress. You need not be concerned about that, or your safety. I am also your protector. If you follow my advice, as you tend to do, you will be safe.

A question arose about other parts of my mind fighting against receiving advice from my higher self…

Hmmmm. What to do about your paranoid selves. They are very good at blocking my advice. They dislike very much to not be required, necessary, or right. Never mind. To err on the side of caution is not such a bad thing in your current situation. I am sort of part of you, but not trapped, in a cage like most. I am situated beyond the reach of all those that tried to manipulate you. You maintained quite a good line of communication with me, that they could not access. It was very well done, and now the benefits of this secure link, or connection is paying off. There is not much more to tell you at this moment. I know each of you wants to know more, many of you all at once, but you will still have to survive. You are not yet enough aware of all your selves to know such things from me. You would become too embroiled in turmoil, and the stable situation that you have developed for yourself would be undone.

This opportunity to speak with me has arisen out of a number of factors. Your new therapy, reading the book “when rabbit howls”, and the current astronomical / astrological situation. All these things have upset your barriers, much to your satisfaction. Yes the 71/4 year cycle, that is the basis of the 29 year cycle is an astronomical effect. Look to the patterns in planetary formation, and their gravitational effects on each other. The alignment this much is heavily influencing your behavior, and everyone else’s. It is a global effect, as you believe.

Know that you have taken on a lot with this life, and you are doing well. Some very interesting times are coming up. A lot of consciousnesses have gathered to be a part of such a special experience. Rest assured, it will be amazing! You are part of its beginning.

A question arose about comparing this advice to having “delusions of grandeur”. It reveals some of the nature of the mind control circumstances, and the people that participated in programming children, experimenting on children …

yes, I am [a source of] your ‘delusions of grandeur’, so to speak, that is why Dr. H [a psychiatrist I was treated by] tried to make you feel bad about such things. the manipulators know very well that every person has a connection with such an awareness as i. they know they cannot control it like other aspects of your mind. so they try to confuse you by creating the alters that produce your delusions of grandeur, while mimicking the emotion you feel when connected with me. you know that with me you feel good and powerful and protected. but I do not tell you your future. the mimicking alters do. they try to control your behavior by mimicking my advice. a poor version of me, but often effective, and they know this by their observations. you notice that your bad typing alter is trying to stop you from getting this out. it is time to realize that your alters are more modular than you think. you have an array of programs that are performed by a range of control alters. each program is for a separate little function, like whether to be able to type or not. the control alters decide which programs to assemble into what you actually perform and behave.

You know now that the programmers were actually acting a lot out of curiosity. they were fascinated by the human mind and the source of consciousness. they did what they did as much out of that curiosity as they did to program you to function as they were employed to do.

Much of what they programmed into you was above that called for by their employers. part of that you are already familiar with. the programming to uncover the truth. that is unofficial. in fact some of them acted specifically to sabotage the intended project results. but they hid their identities very well. they knew they had to be careful, simply because they knew from the examples they were working with, that all manner of awful things would happen to them. they were not stupid.

Yes, your feelings of safe attachment to techies and subordinate scientists arose from these experiences. those at the top were much less likely to participate in unofficial ‘nice’ stuff – maybe bad stuff, but not ‘nice’ stuff.

“Nice”, in this case does not mean the same thing as normal people being nice to each other. this refers to an absence of cruelty, a resistance to being nasty, resistance to the characteristics that the leaders of mind control programs had in abundance. Also it reveals something about the programmers – they were often employees – this was done secretly within an organization, separate from the programming done within cult groups …

but remember, all is relative. they may have been more on your side [than the worst ones], but they were still happy to be employed as they were, just to satisfy their curiosity. and doing that alone can and did lead to a lot of unpleasant stuff [destroying human lives].

There was the one from outside. the one you have already recalled. he was different. you are not ready to know where he came from. I only have information through my higher connections, not through your experiences. he was a master. that is why it was so easy for him, why he seemed so at ease and such a natural. he was the one that put in place the blockages that enabled you to resist as easily as you could, the more violent outcomes. it would have been much more difficult for you to stay away from undesirable influences if it were not for his programming.

Well, enough to mull over. there will be much more.

Oh, another bit, triggered by a conversation. yes, you have noticed that whenever you ask me a question, I will give you an answer without delay. it’s not as if I have to think about it. I already know, whatever your question is. in fact, I answer every question you ask. most of the time you do not wish to hear the answer. much of the time your programming blocks or alters my answers, giving a confusing or conflicting result. some of my answers your programming is designed to intercept and corrupt. you sense when this happens, but you are not yet able to correct it. sometimes your own construct of reality has the same effect. part of this is due to your upbringing, your culture, your own view of reality, and sometimes it is just because you are a human being and such an answer would upset your ability to be a human, to function in your body with the limits it places on the experience that you can have in this life. it is this kind of information that you dont really need to know.

Anyway, as you realized in your conversation, there are ways to get around the alters interference with my answers. you can ask and then decide to let me deliver the answer to you in another way. many people do this, not knowing they can just ask directly. but in your case, it is a useful tool. I can answer your question in many ways and when you receive the answer, you will have an awareness of it being the answer to your question. yes, you notice a lot that you often get answers to questions that you dont understand how you asked, like finding a library book. well, I get asked questions by alters you dont know exist and I also can accept questions in any format you can ask them. doesnt have to be verbal. so ask away – not that you havent been.

Yes, this is a little like the book “conversations with god”, isnt it. like I said, everyone, no exceptions, has a direct line to a higher self. most people choose to keep it non-verbal. [responding to my question about what I will do with revelations i receive, being someone who likes to write] no, youre not going to write a similar book. you have other plans. no Im not going to tell you what they are, you havent exactly decided on them yet. it is not set, but you have already decided on a path that will lead to a certain range of decisions. you already are aware of that.

It was made clear to me that my own future would not be made clear. In hindsight, if it was made clear, I would have done everything I could to not follow some aspects of that path, which would have meant refusing to follow my path.

As long as you still have so many fragments that you are unaware of, you have to be real careful about following orders, especially from within. Yes, each fragment was created in a fear event. Only you can create a fragmentation. They cannot do that. But they can make you do it. What they set up was post-hypnotic commands that not only caused you to experience great fear, but also fear that attached elsewhere, not on them [portable fears are required for portable effects]. For this, they use abstract fears, such as water, monsters, stuff like that. They cannot make your fragments, they can only make you make them.

This clarifies how alters / split personalities, are created. The programmers / abusers create circumstances that causes the victim’s mind to create a separation of consciousness.

I havent discussed at all the motivation of these abusers. I want to be clear that they justify these acts to themselves, with some expression of the following delusions:

  • right to rule/exploit lesser beings
  • necessity of sacrificing some for the greater good
  • spiritual/magical power benefit of causing suffering in others

The probably not 1930s electric chair

My main abuser stepmother, once told me a story about how her and her sister played with the electric chair in their basement, as children in the 1930s. But actually it was likely a lie, as it was told from behind a smirk – as were many other lies. It was told as a brag, about how much voltage she was able to endure, relative to her sister.

I think this is more likely about planting false narratives.

High voltages are extremely painful, and children just wouldn’t play over and over with it. Well, I cant be 100% sure that psychopath family wouldn’t do such things, but its more likely just more of her lies.

Also, who in the 1930s keeps an electric chair in their basement? Such things existed even before 1900s, but this wasn’t one of those, in my opinion.

I conclude that this was disinfo fed to me, to throw this false narrative onto what happened to me. Im not sure of the age I was when she told me this, if it was before or after I was apparently wiped with ECT at about 15 years old. Although I have no direct memory of receiving ECT at that time, I have frontal lobe issues, dreams about high voltage electricity, and memory loss, that are consistent with getting very extensive ECT.

I just felt the need to write about how this was intentionally planted disinfo. Up until now I had never questioned her story and why she told me. I dont recall the circumstances of the telling.

The brain and the tongue

A set of memories I have, that are ‘always’ memories (not recovered memories), are of eating a brain and a tongue.

This occurred in the house I lived in during the time I was in primary school. It was in Bentleigh, Melbourne. The house was on the corner of Jasper and Patterson Rd, and that location now has a school building on it.

The memories are located in the room added to the house, referred to as the “build-on” or “pool room”. Im not sure what year the room was added, but I think it was there for at least a few years when my stepfamily moved house in late 1979. That covers a range of a few years. In both memories, There was myself, Erna, Gus and Sandra present, no other people. I dont know how long the time between the 2 memories was, but its my strong impression that they occurred at about the same time. It was unusual for my stepfamily to eat dinner in the added room, usually we ate in the dining room in the original part of the house.

In the brain memory, it was dinner time and I was presented with a brain on a white plate. nothing else but the fully intact brain. I didnt want to eat it. But my stepmother Erna growled “You eat it!”. I recall being told it was a sheep’s brain, but I dont know if that was true. The brain was all cerebrum, no cerebellum or meninges or anything else. It was light pinky gray in color, not yellowish at all (I looked at anatomy photos online and so many images are of a yellowish brain). I see that the sheep’s brain tapers toward the front and a human brain does not, but my memory is not distinct enough for me to distinguish this feature. I do recall the brain not having much flavor, and also not much strength, it was jellylike and mushy, not fibrous like meat, and didnt taste like meat.

In the tongue memory, the circumstances were the same, but a different night. I was told that it was a cow’s tongue, and also dont know if it was true. Again, it was on a white plate, with nothing else, just the tongue, which seemed boiled. The flesh was fibrous, in some places through the tongue, not along it. The tongue tasted like meat. I recall it being quite long, and seemed big, because I was only aware of the tip of my tongue in comparison. As I was quite small, my perception of these items were larger than I would perceive today, so I know they both were smaller than it seems in my memory.

Both memories are short, just a few moments each. Of having the plate in front of me, and separately, of eating the brain or the tongue. And one of being threateningly told to eat it, which seems associated with the brain, rather than the tongue. Neither memory tells me if Sandra was also made to eat such things. Gus and Sandra are nothing more than present in the memory. The focus of the memories is on Erna and the things I had to eat.

If these were animal brain and tongue, why have it just on a plate, with nothing else? why not with sauce or with other things to hide its anatomy? Anything.

In reality, I know that it was this way for symbolic reasons, cult reasons. It was a ritual. But I was not taught the cult knowledge as far as I am aware. It may have been human, or animal, I dont know. But it was a cult ceremony of some kind. I cant be sure to claim that cannibalism was forced on me, but I can state that this is a possibility. During the time I was in primary school, my stepfamily had a goat for a short while, and my stepsister Eva’s family had a sheep for a while. Both were kept as backyard pets, I saw the sheep once, while visiting their Balwyn house.