I dont need an excuse to follow my gut feelings

For a long time i tolerated a person that creeped me out, but didn’t do anything obviously wrong. my gut tells me this person is pretending to be a survivor and is one of the most active list member i ha e ever met. But never describing any personal healing work, only referring to doing so. And just come tiny endlessly on posts in a way that just creeps me out.

i dont know if others on these lists react in the same way to this person. I haven’t asked anyone because i didn’t feel justified in my feeling, i didnt have the supporting evidence my mi d demanded.

Now i decided that i have had enough of ignoring my gut feelings! I dont need evidence to support it. The feelings are their own evidence! I can act on them without justification! So i have done so.

From now on I will act on my gut feelings without justification.

 

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So that every time is a re-circumcision

TRIGGER WARNING

This post contains a transcript from a healing visualization process, used to record the result of different stages of the process. Then it is followed by the interpretation that I established while transcribing. Mention of rape, description of the feeling.

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2018-02-21
0133 [transcribed from video selfie] I started a MTE track 1 process, and I went to the feeling that was just the right one to go with. And it was just like ok, whats the feeling that is the thing that is to deal with right now? And then it was like, it wasnt actually inside my body, it was in FRONT of me. Right now Im lying on my back, doing that visualization and its like, um, its actually bigger than my torso. And its on top of me like, like my own, like another torso shape, maybe, i dont know if it is actually representing a person that is bigger than me, and Im a kid, im not sure, thats another idea that came up is that its actually a woman, sexually abusing me, but im not sure. So, anyway, when she said to go into that feeling, and, just like be in it, then like, oh, its just black and screaming and awful, and, its like, I can make a distinction between that me going into that bigger energy on top of me in front of me, its um, that me is looking at that, and my awareness is going into that, that thing in front of me and its just black and screaming and angry, and chaos in there. So thats what I see, and I dont know if that is actually, if it is something thats in me or not, but that is, there is some attachment to me, its like sitting there in front of me and its kind of attached there in front of me, its not actually inside my body. OK, so Im going to go and do part 2 now, while i continue on with that visualization.
0139 [transcribed from video selfie] Ok so I went back into that a bit more. its just like a couple of minutes later. And my mind has kept on that same suggestion that Im like a kid and that is a person, I think, that the suggestion from my mind is that thats actually a woman sexually abusing me, somehow its been, Ive been caused to have an erection and theyre having sex with me, and I am, underneath, and Im trying to block that energy, Im trying to put up a barrier, to block that energy from getting into me because that, cos im actually within the zone of that persons energy field, Im trying to block, put up a barrier, to stop that persons energy coming into me. So thats what I worked out. How old am I? 6 or 7 or something like that, Im not sure, but, Im a lot smaller than that person. And that persons core energy is a lot bigger than my body, and it sits in front of my body. The center of that persons core energy is, maybe, 20 or 25 cm above my torso surface. And its like, its closer than 30 cm. And maybe because I was so small maybe its even less than 20 cm. So theyre like, right physically on top of me. And I had the idea come up that my fat belly has, is part of that barrier, its something to do with that, that being the barrier. And theres also the idea that came up that Im actually afraid of sticking, putting my penis inside a, like inside women, other women, because im afraid of what theyre going to do with it, im afraid of it getting hurt, afraid of me getting hurt, and a few fears like that. There seems to be some association with my circumcision, to do with this kind of stuff, but Im not quite sure what it is, but it seems that those abusive people made that association and put that association into me, to make me afraid of, afraid of sex, as part of being able to control it, whatever I did. Ok, so thats, thats what I feel its about. Its just being sexually abused by, adult female that, its, its probably, an, I suppose … While the suggestion was immediately when I was, the first identity suggested was, but I think that its happened with other people as well, but that really black dark screaming energy, I think that is Erna, shes, shes like that. Like, you know, possessed by demons, and awful, awful energy.

2018-03-04 additional info.

While transcribing this text, I understood that this recollection is from a rape ritual. At one point, maybe in an earlier ritual, my circumcision (genital mutilation) was followed by being raped, by a female, to permanently associate the trauma of circumcision, with the act of sex. This ritual is to make the male victim subconsciously associate every sexual experience with the trauma of circumcision, for the rest of their life. That is, to make sex forever a re-traumatization. That is, by the time I was circumcised, I was already conditioned to have an erection on command. That is readily achievable through mind control.

I refer to the guided process as MTE. This and other healing resources can be found at http://www.melanietoniaevans.com

Maybe integration isn’t always necessary

In the last few days I have reconsidered what I want my recovery to be – my reconsideration arises from interacting with someone who has expanded my view of recovery.

Until now I had just seen integration as my goal, without really questioning it, as it seemed the logical conclusion to some healing work that I had done, and had benefits for me. So I just kept incorporating that stage into other healing work without actually questioning its necessity.

Now I think about it more and see that its not directly my goal, but an extrapolation of my goal. My actual goal really is – and always has been – to not have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and other things that sabotage my life. So I ask if I really need to integrate all the broken off parts of my mind – perhaps this mission would be so time consuming that I miss out on expressing with the subsequent productivity that I gain.

Maybe just rescuing them or somehow removing them from their prison is enough to stop their contribution to my life sabotage. As long as they don’t sabotage my life, isnt that enough? I can focus on that and then if I feel integration is necessary to consolidate particular life skills, or to complete the healing work in that instance, then I can proceed with that.

However, I have been here in the past, kind of. I had healed a little, and thought that maybe this was enough, and I could continue with my life. Yet I was still self sabotaging. Now I am more aware and can easily see that the arising of negative emotion and self-sabotaging thinking patterns are an indication I need more healing, and that I cant just overcome it with my willpower alone.

Reconsidering this has really helped me refine my recovery goal. Rather than studiously work through particular steps that have sometimes been really beneficial, I want my recovery to be based on desired outcomes, not procedures. I can decide to integrate if that is required to achieve the desired recovery outcome – and not, if it doesnt.

Bouncing ideas off others and receiving their insight and inspiration, has been so beneficial for me. It is much better to heal within a community of others – than to continue alone as I had been.

My life as a House of Cards

Everything I build in my life collapses, as does a house of cards when a card is removed.

This is how my mind constructs things. It is a way to look at why I cant sustain anything in my life but live as if I am on the run for my life.

When I look back in my life, I see that there are times when I begin to build up some momentum, some direction. But it doesnt last. The smallest thing brings the whole lot crashing down.

Somehow in my mind, anxiety slowly builds up, negative beliefs gradually grow about whatever I have built up, whatever progress I have made in a particular direction. The negativity grows until there is only needed a small misfortune of challenge to what I have built up, that it is the “straw that breaks the camels back”, and the whole lot crashes down and I run away. That straw is like the card that is removed. That negativity and anxiety turns brick into cards.

Theres nothing weak or inadequate about what I have built up, but it is my negative subconscious, programmed by decades of abuse and mind control, that overwhelms anything I try to build up, and collapses it.

Perhaps the story of the 3 little pigs can be looked at in this way. Then it becomes an analogy for the mind, with its 3 distinct characteristics. The pigs learn to make a stronger and stronger house in their mind and the negativity represented by the wolf, can no longer blow it all down.

Strange moods arising

1989-11-21:

“Wow, man, what a weird day this was. I had my second last exam this afternoon and I was in such a silly mood. I wrote quite a few joking comments on the exam. By the end of it I just went overboard. I wrote things that I normally wouldnt dream of writing things like that in an exam, but I was in such a silly mood, a good mood. Hey man what’s happening? It must be another one of those good moods, I can feel it. This is the 3rd time in my life. Why were they all this year?
[…]
I dont understand what brings them on, although they appear to be coming after I’ve been really depressed for a while. I’m not complaining, theyre such a headrush its incredible. Its probably my hyperactivity, but why is it coming back, and why did it have such a long rest (almost all the way thru tech, high school & 1st year uni)?

This one started with the bird noises on “Of ambience and atmosphere” on 3PBS, starting at 11pm. How weird can things get. Having a high, triggered by bird noises in a Hawaiian jungle. This is getting pretty far out. I never cease to amaze myself with my strangeness. The high started this morning, I realize now, but it wasnt noticeable till the birdies started tweeting.
[…]
Another thing asking to be understood. My mood changes are getting more dramatic, but I’m having some good moods and the odd (in more ways than one) really hyperfantastic moods. I cant remember being like this before (which isnt saying much, my memory is shit ). I can only remember being horribly tedious and always being in a pretty average mood, no wild changes, some depressing moods, but no really good moods, just the odd good mood. Never anything fantastic. I must’ve had so much control over myself, and I didnt even realize. I don’t remember much about primary school. People always amaze me with their great memories of their childhood, and I always wondered why I never remembered anything. Here they are reeling off one of their fun childhood experiences, and going on about the good old days when things were simple & life was great. I realize now that I dont remember anything for a good reason. I wouldnt want to. I was a nut of a kid, and this really stuffed my childhood. I never really had any of those good times. The only ones I remember seem to be when I was alone.
I was good at having a good time by myself, cos I didnt get along with any of the normal destructive kids. I still am good at it, I always was, but now Im learning about it. Id always loved being with other people I liked, but I never really enjoyed myself around groups of people cos I was lost at how to do it.
[…]
I’m getting a much better idea of what goes on in this little head of mine. I reckon that learning about myself has let me release more of my feelings and let me enjoy my experiences more.
This year and these exams and studying and everything are as every other year, and they seem just as bad, but now they dont feel like theyre my whole life, only part.
I wonder if some memories will come back, or have they gone forever?”

1989-11-21:
“Ive spent my whole life learning to live alone. Its something I can handle well. Thats why Im different, why I think differently, I had no choice. It was the only way to live with the way I am. Until now Ive never really shared anything with anyone and its a big change for me, totally foreign. Im not in my own environment. Being in love with you has completely changed the set of circumstances Im used to, and I now have to learn to share my life with somebody else, something Ive never done before. I have to change my way of thinking, change the basis of my existence, my thinking, my attitude. I can only do this with your help. The only problem is that I dont know how, and it will take time, to find out, and it will take time to change, to seriously reprogram my brain. I dont even know if it can be done anymore.
I know if anything goes wrong, I’ll go back to my old ways without you, the ways I know well, that have got me this far in life, although not entirely successfully. I consider meeting you a wonderful piece of luck, something that can change my life and myself forever, enter me into new territory, but Im willing to follow where you lead.”

2018-02-05 additional information

I write about the time in my life where my moods began to fluctuate more, sometimes wildly. In hindsight, I know this was due to me starting to release the tight grip I had on my feelings. I was consciously aware of having had placed very tight control over my feelings, yet my awareness was that this was necessary because of who I was, not because of what happened to me. At that time I had no recollection of experiencing any systematic trauma or mind control.

In the passage, I mention reprogramming my thinking. I wasnt then consciously aware that I had survived trauma based mind control. I had no conscious awareness of being a survivor of malicious programming by people who had set me aside as a slave to their agenda.

Yet I am curious about my use of words. There was so much that was going on in my head that I never dared acknowledge and never recorded. It is possible that some subconscious awareness influenced my writing in my very small conscious world.

Self-diagnosing from radio shows

1989-07-09:

“On Saturday morning, for the first time in months, I listened to the Science Show on 3AR. It was on schizophrenia, and I gradually, as the show went on, came to the conclusion that I am schizophrenic. I listened to the interviews and the discussion and I’m pretty sure that I fit in the criteria that they set down. So now I have to work out what I should do about it.”

1989-11-09 Thursday:

“I know there’s something wrong with me, I have for a while, and schizophrenia is the only thing that comes near explaining how I am, and it does it well. I’m not absolutely sure, but pretty sure. I will have a look at other possibilities though, practise the scientific method. I already know that its a behavioral disorder.”

2018-02-05 additional information

At the time I wrote this, I was just beginning to analyze myself and my thinking. Then the radio show came along and talked about a lot of stuff that I identified with. Without much awareness of diagnoses and the similarities between different ‘disorders’ within the Autism Spectrum disorders, I latched onto this label as the first and only concept that came close to describing me. As I investigated a little further, it became less clear and I realized the fit was not as good as I first concluded. It was kind of disappointing, because I had to admit that I hadn’t found the answer I was seeking. That potential source of certainty and clarity was not able to be the answer, and way forward that I wanted. I had to return to ‘I dont know yet’.

Learning I could safely let out frustrations

1989-06-01 Thursday

“As I come to the end of this book, I near the end of my sanity. It is becoming easier to let out my frustrations violently. I get frustrated at all sorts of things, now, the littlest, most stupid things piss me off. Finishing the [] essay was a great relief, but every time I think of the other shit going down, I get so pissed off. I feel like smashing something. I haven’t got my licence to allow me to legally thrash out my frustrations. Its really fucked me up.”

2018-02-05 additional information

This was written at a time where I had begun to reduce my restrictions of my feelings a little. Not much, but I allowed myself to be more expressive, less ‘zomboid’, than I had been in the past. Rather than totally pushing down any anger that arose, I let out a little and occasionally smashed things that werent really important in the long run. At  this time, I realized that I could let out some anger and it didnt result in an uncontrollable cascade into extreme violence. This was pretty important.

The reference to the end of the book is about my journal book. In those times I rarely wrote and filling a book was a significant event.