I am a survivor of child abuse.
My step-“Family of Origin” (SFOO) acquired me for the purpose of exploiting me, and cared nothing for my rights as a human.
I was brainwashed/programmed and sexually exploited by my SFOO and others outside my SFOO. This brainwashing, done extensively with trauma and ECT, put into my mind ideas of mass shootings, sabotage and suicide, and attempted to make me do such things. The brainwashing also includes a complex set of programming to protect itself and to punish attempts to recover by triggering nightmares, despair, disturbing intrusive thoughts, desire to return to the SFOO … and many kinds of physical and psychological self harm – even suicide.
As a child I had 2 lives. One life, lived in the world, among the public – in which I had no awareness of abuse, or any way to explain the strangeness of my existence. And another life that endured the abuse and suffering and brainwashing.
Bridging the gap between these 2 lives were the subconscious beliefs that controlled my life. In all life situations, I would respond according to the subconscious beliefs that resulted from my abuse. In the public world, my behavior was sometimes strange, violent or over-reactive. Yet I was unconscious of the extremes of my own behavior, and unable to control it. I was not the one in the drivers seat. I had my daily awareness and knowledge of how to behave, but if I was triggered anyway, I would transform into extreme abuse victim mode, and all self control left until I calmed down sometime later.
I lived in this way throughout my education in Melbourne, Australia – at St. Pauls, Moorabbin Technical College, Moorabbin Technical High School and Monash University. I then moved to Brisbane and studied 1 year at Griffith University.
Despite not having much success at being in the world as a normal, I managed to resist the programming and escape my SFOO. During this time I increasingly investigated the cause of the issues in my life. When I was about 29 I recovered memories of abuse. At that point in time, my 2 separated lives began to reunite, and I became consciously aware of the cause on my problems.
This blog explores the ways I use to recover, and also exposes the things that were done to me.
In the blog, there are references to “mte process” and “decision destroyer”. These are guided visualizations and are up there with the most powerful healing tool I have ever found: crying.
- All you need to know about “mte process” can be found at www.melanietoniaevans.com
- “decision destroyer” refers to a guided visualization created by Christopher Howard. It is related to a “Breakthrough to Success” event I attended 10 years ago, and it was a massively transformational event in my life. visit: www.legendarylivingacademy.com
Gary Pfeifer RA MC Survivor 