A harrowing aspect of ritual abuse, is the creation of conditions for the victim to submit to the will of the abusers. They want their victims to willingly do things a free person would refuse to do. To participate willingly in the disgusting perversions of human scum. This is their confirmation that the victims mind has been broken in – comprehensively defeated. Like an animal broken in for a life of exploitation.
Abusers give their victims the choice of how much suffering to endure. There is the choice of being tortured, or cooperating. But submission is not enough to avoid punishment. The victim must appear to want to be a slave. As a victim i chose to perform, in order to minimize my suffering. This meant pretending to like what they insisted i do. At the time this meant my suffering was greatly reduced. But there was an unknown cost.
I was forced to exchange short term physical suffering for much less intense indefinite psychological suffering. The suffering of having given in to their abuse, of cooperating with it. Of pretending I was happy to do as they demanded. I didnt avoid the pain, i transformed and postponed it. I set it aside and carried it with me all my life. That pain of having decided to pretend for them. A decision i could never be happy with.
Now i am discarding that pain i carried for half a century – by realizing what was intentionally done to my mind against my will. That pain influenced my life and my relationships. It pulled my life in its direction, of accepting things and people i should have rejected, and pretending they were not bad.
To surrender to survive, is a suffering of its own.