An origin of self hate

The emotional response to being thwarted – anger – can also be directed at the self.

In a previous post, I explained the pain of carrying the decision to surrender, to minimize abuse. Mixed together in that pain, is the anger from being thwarted. However, that anger is partly directed at the self.

In ritual abuse, the decision to surrender to minimize the abuse, is intentionally forced onto child victims. Subconsciously or otherwise, it is intentional. It also allows the abuser to externalize blame for the abuse. After that decision, the victim is still thwarted, but differently. In response, anger is still generated.

That generated anger is now associated with the decision to surrender – the decision made by the self. The mind observes the cause and effect of deciding to surrender, and the subsequent lessened abuse. The abuse supposedly ‘agreed to’ – under duress.

Abusers strengthen this association with phrases like “you deserve it”, “you brought it on yourself”, “its because of what you did/didnt do”, “you chose it”, etc. These persistently blaming phrases help to connect the anger with the self, and are present in psychological abuse of both children and adults.

That anger is attached to, and directed at, the self. If there is enough anger, it will manifest as self-hate.

Despite the mind being used as a weapon against itself, it also has built-in mechanisms to heal. Emotions continually work to maintain mental health, if allowed. Grieving ‘dissolves’ anger.

Carrying the of pain of giving in

A harrowing aspect of ritual abuse, is the creation of conditions for the victim to submit to the will of the abusers. They want their victims to willingly do things a free person would refuse to do. To participate willingly in the disgusting perversions of human scum. This is their confirmation that the victims mind has been broken in – comprehensively defeated. Like an animal broken in for a life of exploitation.

Abusers give their victims the choice of how much suffering to endure. There is the choice of being tortured, or cooperating. But submission is not enough to avoid punishment. The victim must appear to want to be a slave. As a victim i chose to perform, in order to minimize my suffering. This meant pretending to like what they insisted i do. At the time this meant my suffering was greatly reduced. But there was an unknown cost.

I was forced to exchange short term physical suffering for much less intense indefinite psychological suffering. The suffering of having given in to their abuse, of cooperating with it. Of pretending I was happy to do as they demanded. I didnt avoid the pain, i transformed and postponed it. I set it aside and carried it with me all my life. That pain of having decided to pretend for them. A decision i could never be happy with.

Now i am discarding that pain i carried for half a century – by realizing what was intentionally done to my mind against my will. That pain influenced my life and my relationships. It pulled my life in its direction, of accepting things and people i should have rejected, and pretending they were not bad.

To surrender to survive, is a suffering of its own.

Ending My Catastrophic Thinking

A few months ago I had another overreaction to something that happened, and I later analyzed the pattern of thinking involved. (Usually I let it pass without special attention)

I realized that I have a part of my mind, that thinks up the worst possible outcome for situations – then causes me to be angry about it. Especially about upcoming events. It does this about imaginary things – not about real situations. The result is that a lot of angry energy is wasted on an internal rant about a fictitious situation that will never happen. It wastes my life energy on fiction. Theres more than one circumstance that can lead to catastrophic thinking. For me, its internal separate parts that carry out that task.

I used a minds eye visualization to follow the anger to the source. It was a 5yr old me, who only cared about fighting and being angry. I wanted to rescue and merge that part, but when he realized it meant leaving that place, he didnt want to go, he just wanted to stay and fight. I didnt know what to do with the situation. I ‘captured a snapshot / made a bookmark’ (by willing it to exist) so that I could easily pick up where I left off.

For a couple of days, I was at a loss about how to heal that part. I realized that being angry about terrible imaginary outcomes, is one of the worst things that happens in my life as an adult. It sabotages so much, especially my stability of mind and life. Its just psychological self harm – thats its purpose. It was created by my sicko abusers to sabotage my whole life.

Then, in another visualization, I returned to that part, and confronted it. I was mean and abusive to it. I told it how useless it was, and that it was a part intentionally turned against me. It kept resisting and I kept attacking. I said I will fight it until it agrees to merge with me. I made it clear how I felt about it. It asked if I hated it. I said I hated what it did.
Eventually it started to give in a little. Then I tried to start a merging. It still resisted, but I was able to get it inside myself. It was still struggling a bit, but at least I got it started. I left it at that.

Now, months later, I had forgotten about doing this healing work. I was reminded of it by reviewing what I recorded about it. I had already realized that I have recently been much more calm, and have had much less catastrophic thinking. I had put it down to the overall effect of doing healing visualizations. Although that is true, now I see that it is mostly the result of this specific healing visualization that I did.

Usually in my visualizations, I am pretty kind to parts that I find and rescue, and take time to explain to them the reality of their situation. They are usually unaware that I exist as an older person. Many are initially reluctant about getting rescued from their isolation.

However, on rare occasions, an opposite strategy is needed. Maybe I have done this only twice, in many years of healing work. I will only do it if that is what is needed. I know that I am dealing with parts of myself that were split off by abuse. The vast majority need welcoming and kindness. Almost everything has its exceptions.

I want to make it clear that this is what worked for my situation. Its not a suggestion that this should be used by others – or not used – with parts that have the job of catastrophic thinking. And its not the only way to heal inner parts. Im seriously warning against being aggressive with separated inner parts, for frivolous reasons, or just to see if it will work – they are the SELF. I use it only when my higher self (IN-tuition) indicates it is to be used – and then only after trying the usual way.

The fake mind control implant

I have a scar on the top of my head. For many years i would habitually pick at that scar, while imagining that i was digging out a mind control implant – one that was for controlling my mind in some way. This has been the case since i was a teenager. Decades.

The image of the implant that i had in my head was one that was about the size of a peppercorn, with a thin metal wire, sometimes two, almost as thin as a hair, of quite springy metal. I imagined being able to get hold of the bulbous end and draw out the implant. I never did.

Because the implant was never there.

The only thing intentionally implanted, was the idea of the implant. That was all that was needed for the mind control. An implant is not needed when the desired effect can be achieved with the belief that an implant is there. The fake implant, that can reveal to the adults in charge what I am thinking. So i have no choice but to try to control my thoughts. As long as i am controlling my thoughts in fear of being caught out, i am so easily controlled. Not just for individual mind control, but for mass mind control (now aka mass formation psychosis) also.

The belief of a physical implant is created by suggestion and a setup of circumstances. A child can easily be tricked, by theatrical setups, into thinking that the adults really CAN read their thoughts – the implant is real and it works. This is because the situation is set up, and the circumstances controlled. A child cannot see through such circumstances. When a child is young and critical thinking is not yet developed, it is easy to use theater to make them believe all kinds of things are real. Implants, aliens, etc.

The adults that do these kinds of things to children are disgusting sick monsters that destroy entire lives by the harm they do to children. The human race cannot progress while such monsters freely live among us.

I have heard from a number of other Ritual Abuse survivors, that they believe they have such implants. I cant know if they are real, or fake like mine. I know that research into such implants are real – even movies have had a say about them – ex. “Terminal Man”. But in the case of ritual abuse and mind control, they are likely not needed. Trickery is more than enough with a young child.

I hope that the consideration of an implant being fake, can help other ritual abuse survivors with their recovery.

Squid Game in 1977

Shapes of the mind control of child slaves.

The squares triangles and circles in squid game are not from squid game. They are known by survivors of systematic mind control / satanic ritual abuse / menticide to have particular meanings.

This aartwork is from 1999, based on a photo from 1977, which I used to express what was being done to my mind.

Endlessly Trying to Make Up for Trivial Slights

Recently i noticed a lifelong pattern of memories that kept arising. They are memories of when i did something that others didnt like or didnt approve of. Not ones that resulted in any harm to anyone. Memories of seemingly little consequence. But they kept arising.

I know that when something keeps arising in my mind, that it is because of an unresolved issue. But even when i recognised the pattern of the memories, i still was not able to resolve the cause in a reasonable way.

When i asked myself why it would be so important for me to respond to people disapproving of me, trying to make up for things, rather than let it go – i realized that it was about avoiding suffering. I understood that it matched a pattern from my child abuse.

Those who abused me, justified it by telling me that i was bad, that they hated me, that it was my fault. Again and again, so that it was deeply embedded in my mind. I was in a situation that i was not able to escape. I realized that my solution to that situation, was to try to convince the abusers that i wasnt bad, that I was likeable, that i could make it up to them and show i was acceptable. I didnt understand that they were abusing me because they needed to abuse, needed to destroy another person. They probably justified their abuse by saying those things, and engaged in self-delusion. But the reality was that they needed to destroy others, and they chose me – not because of me, but because I was the opportunity presented to them.

So i stuck with that strategy of trying to convince people that were upset with me, that i was good and likeable – by trying to make up for things, by trying to show that I cared and wanted to do what is right, wanted to correct my error. I kept trying to make up for things i had done, that seemingly upset others (or not) – but were in fact trivial. It was even true that i feared upsetting others and often assumed without evidence that i had done that – when i actually hadnt.

It is this one, trying to make up for things i had supposedly done wrong, that was the core of my delusional useless strategy – while always assuming that any problem was due to me. It was my fault, as i was taught by my abusers. Never realizing that it was a misunderstanding, a pointless waste of effort. I would even stay around abusive people so as to practice my useless strategy. Just knowing that someone was unhappy with me, caused me to stick around to try to make amends – as if i had no choice to leave.

Im yet to dig up that part that believes in and uses that strategy. I hope that when i do, i will stop wasting my time trying to please people, trying to make up for negative interactions and make them like me. Instead I can just say sorry. The other person can let me know if they want any compensation, if sorry isnt enough for them. Then I can decide if i want to compensate or not.

Then i can put more of my effort into listening to and following the guidance of my higher self.

Separation from my body to escape suffering

These days, self-integrity is really important to me. I will sacrifice comfort, convenience and opprotunity to retain and regain my self-integrity. I understand the consequence of a divided mind – weighing me down with internal conflicts and the energy required to keep track of all the inconsistencies and when to allow or forbid each one.

As a child, i had no understanding of my self-integrity or its value. I was motivated by the experience of the moment. I cared about minimizing suffering and maximizing enjoyment. This meant mentally separating from my body to minimise the suffering of abuse. As the abuse included my head, i also separated from my head, my own face, and restricted my personal space to a small volume within my skull. I created an alternative reality in there to compensate for the loss of my connection to my physical reality. A place to hang out in my mind.

I had been aware of this separation, but recently i became aware of something much more difficult to admit to myself. Not only did i withdraw from the abuse, I participated in it in a way that seemed to me to reduce the suffering. That meant proactively behaving in a way that I believed would make the abusers nicer to me, and it probably worked. Yet it meant pretending to be attracted to, and turned on my abusers, who i found disgusting.

This is not news to me. For decades I have had disturbing ‘flashbacks’ of such appeasement. These were so disgusting to me – an awful experience to have such things arise in my mind without warning. Despite knowing this, I tried to avoid it, to make it go away. I couldnt. I just didnt want to deal with the idea that i helped them abuse me. When I recently admitted that I did this kiind of appeasement, I released a lot of grief about it.

Some people describe this as “fawning”, the act of trying to appease the abuser to lessen the abuse – its part of the set “Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Feign, Flirt” – that describes the different responses to trauma.

PostEdit – A commenter reminded me of “Feign”, and Im adding “Flirt” to the list to make 6. I also think there may be a reason to add a word for hypochondria to the list, as some use that, to guilt the abuser into not abusing.

For me, appeasing the abuser is an extremely offensive thing, its disgusting. Those pedophiles are human scum. Especially difficult to admit is pretending to be attracted to and to act as if I liked the abuser. I understand that it meant less torture, less nastiness from the abuusers. But as a child, i was unable to see the bigger picture, to see the consequences of this. I chose to perform to avoid suffering. I was in a mindset of present experience, and did what it took to make that present experience less awful, less traumatic. I had no awareness of the deep harmful effects in my mind. Only now that I am healing from the abuse am i becoming aware of the unforseen consequences.

I forgive my young self, for doing what he could to lessen the suffering. I will continue with my work to heal all the harm that was done to my mind. It is such a relief to purge these trapped conflicts from my mind.

Menticide: a term for individual mind control

Definition by Merriam-Webster: “Medical┬áDefinition of menticide : a systematic and intentional undermining of a person’s conscious mind : brainwashing

I have used the term “mind control”, and “ritual sbuse” for such a long time. But I never felt satisfied with their capacity to communicate what i was referring to. I have now searched for, and found what I was looking for. An established term that captures what i want to communicate, but without the baggage that comes with almost all other frequently used terms that are used to describe my experiences – such as mind control, brainwashing, ritual abuse, etc.

So I can now describe my experiences as “childhood menticide”, and be satisfied that this term expresses what actually happened to me.

Survivor, or Victim? Neither

Generally i refer to myself as a survivor of ritual abuse, electroshock – even this blog has it in the URL.

But really, “survivor” doesnt sit well with me, and never has – because it is only possible to apply it honestly to parts of my life. I am physically alive. Mostly I use it as it is a recognized term that labels me as a member of a certain group.. Many use it to declare that they have overcome their trauma and got on with their lives successfully. I havent had the material success that many other survivors of ritual abuse have had.

“Victim” also does not sit well with me. I could say i am a victim of electroshock, because the damage is irreversible. Its the reason I cant build things in my life. I cannot hold onto anything, i just let go of almost all things i ever had – attachments just fade so easily, and those things cease to matter.. Also there is the stigma of “victim mentality” that has been dragged through the mud, that makes it even less appealing.

Rather than survivor or victim, i prefer the term “recipient” for use with the trauma. I am a recipient of ritual abuse and electroshock brain damage. Recipient places no expectation of any outcome, nor any statement about the severity of its effect. It just states that it happened, and implies that I am affected. I am.

I suppose i will sometimes use survivor as an overall term, for convenience. But not as part of my self identity.

The brain and the tongue

A set of memories I have, that are ‘always’ memories (not recovered memories), are of eating a brain and a tongue.

This occurred in the house I lived in during the time I was in primary school. It was in Bentleigh, Melbourne. The house was on the corner of Jasper and Patterson Rd, and that location now has a school building on it.

The memories are located in the room added to the house, referred to as the “build-on” or “pool room”. Im not sure what year the room was added, but I think it was there for at least a few years when my stepfamily moved house in late 1979. That covers a range of a few years. In both memories, There was myself, Erna, Gus and Sandra present, no other people. I dont know how long the time between the 2 memories was, but its my strong impression that they occurred at about the same time. It was unusual for my stepfamily to eat dinner in the added room, usually we ate in the dining room in the original part of the house.

In the brain memory, it was dinner time and I was presented with a brain on a white plate. nothing else but the fully intact brain. I didnt want to eat it. But my stepmother Erna growled “You eat it!”. I recall being told it was a sheep’s brain, but I dont know if that was true. The brain was all cerebrum, no cerebellum or meninges or anything else. It was light pinky gray in color, not yellowish at all (I looked at anatomy photos online and so many images are of a yellowish brain). I see that the sheep’s brain tapers toward the front and a human brain does not, but my memory is not distinct enough for me to distinguish this feature. I do recall the brain not having much flavor, and also not much strength, it was jellylike and mushy, not fibrous like meat, and didnt taste like meat.

In the tongue memory, the circumstances were the same, but a different night. I was told that it was a cow’s tongue, and also dont know if it was true. Again, it was on a white plate, with nothing else, just the tongue, which seemed boiled. The flesh was fibrous, in some places through the tongue, not along it. The tongue tasted like meat. I recall it being quite long, and seemed big, because I was only aware of the tip of my tongue in comparison. As I was quite small, my perception of these items were larger than I would perceive today, so I know they both were smaller than it seems in my memory.

Both memories are short, just a few moments each. Of having the plate in front of me, and separately, of eating the brain or the tongue. And one of being threateningly told to eat it, which seems associated with the brain, rather than the tongue. Neither memory tells me if Sandra was also made to eat such things. Gus and Sandra are nothing more than present in the memory. The focus of the memories is on Erna and the things I had to eat.

If these were animal brain and tongue, why have it just on a plate, with nothing else? why not with sauce or with other things to hide its anatomy? Anything.

In reality, I know that it was this way for symbolic reasons, cult reasons. It was a ritual. But I was not taught the cult knowledge as far as I am aware. It may have been human, or animal, I dont know. But it was a cult ceremony of some kind. I cant be sure to claim that cannibalism was forced on me, but I can state that this is a possibility. During the time I was in primary school, my stepfamily had a goat for a short while, and my stepsister Eva’s family had a sheep for a while. Both were kept as backyard pets, I saw the sheep once, while visiting their Balwyn house.