Carrying the of pain of giving in

A harrowing aspect of ritual abuse, is the creation of conditions for the victim to submit to the will of the abusers. They want their victims to willingly do things a free person would refuse to do. To participate willingly in the disgusting perversions of human scum. This is their confirmation that the victims mind has been broken in – comprehensively defeated. Like an animal broken in for a life of exploitation.

Abusers give their victims the choice of how much suffering to endure. There is the choice of being tortured, or cooperating. But submission is not enough to avoid punishment. The victim must appear to want to be a slave. As a victim i chose to perform, in order to minimize my suffering. This meant pretending to like what they insisted i do. At the time this meant my suffering was greatly reduced. But there was an unknown cost.

I was forced to exchange short term physical suffering for much less intense indefinite psychological suffering. The suffering of having given in to their abuse, of cooperating with it. Of pretending I was happy to do as they demanded. I didnt avoid the pain, i transformed and postponed it. I set it aside and carried it with me all my life. That pain of having decided to pretend for them. A decision i could never be happy with.

Now i am discarding that pain i carried for half a century – by realizing what was intentionally done to my mind against my will. That pain influenced my life and my relationships. It pulled my life in its direction, of accepting things and people i should have rejected, and pretending they were not bad.

To surrender to survive, is a suffering of its own.

Ending My Catastrophic Thinking

A few months ago I had another overreaction to something that happened, and I later analyzed the pattern of thinking involved. (Usually I let it pass without special attention)

I realized that I have a part of my mind, that thinks up the worst possible outcome for situations – then causes me to be angry about it. Especially about upcoming events. It does this about imaginary things – not about real situations. The result is that a lot of angry energy is wasted on an internal rant about a fictitious situation that will never happen. It wastes my life energy on fiction. Theres more than one circumstance that can lead to catastrophic thinking. For me, its internal separate parts that carry out that task.

I used a minds eye visualization to follow the anger to the source. It was a 5yr old me, who only cared about fighting and being angry. I wanted to rescue and merge that part, but when he realized it meant leaving that place, he didnt want to go, he just wanted to stay and fight. I didnt know what to do with the situation. I ‘captured a snapshot / made a bookmark’ (by willing it to exist) so that I could easily pick up where I left off.

For a couple of days, I was at a loss about how to heal that part. I realized that being angry about terrible imaginary outcomes, is one of the worst things that happens in my life as an adult. It sabotages so much, especially my stability of mind and life. Its just psychological self harm – thats its purpose. It was created by my sicko abusers to sabotage my whole life.

Then, in another visualization, I returned to that part, and confronted it. I was mean and abusive to it. I told it how useless it was, and that it was a part intentionally turned against me. It kept resisting and I kept attacking. I said I will fight it until it agrees to merge with me. I made it clear how I felt about it. It asked if I hated it. I said I hated what it did.
Eventually it started to give in a little. Then I tried to start a merging. It still resisted, but I was able to get it inside myself. It was still struggling a bit, but at least I got it started. I left it at that.

Now, months later, I had forgotten about doing this healing work. I was reminded of it by reviewing what I recorded about it. I had already realized that I have recently been much more calm, and have had much less catastrophic thinking. I had put it down to the overall effect of doing healing visualizations. Although that is true, now I see that it is mostly the result of this specific healing visualization that I did.

Usually in my visualizations, I am pretty kind to parts that I find and rescue, and take time to explain to them the reality of their situation. They are usually unaware that I exist as an older person. Many are initially reluctant about getting rescued from their isolation.

However, on rare occasions, an opposite strategy is needed. Maybe I have done this only twice, in many years of healing work. I will only do it if that is what is needed. I know that I am dealing with parts of myself that were split off by abuse. The vast majority need welcoming and kindness. Almost everything has its exceptions.

I want to make it clear that this is what worked for my situation. Its not a suggestion that this should be used by others – or not used – with parts that have the job of catastrophic thinking. And its not the only way to heal inner parts. Im seriously warning against being aggressive with separated inner parts, for frivolous reasons, or just to see if it will work – they are the SELF. I use it only when my higher self (IN-tuition) indicates it is to be used – and then only after trying the usual way.

The fake mind control implant

I have a scar on the top of my head. For many years i would habitually pick at that scar, while imagining that i was digging out a mind control implant – one that was for controlling my mind in some way. This has been the case since i was a teenager. Decades.

The image of the implant that i had in my head was one that was about the size of a peppercorn, with a thin metal wire, sometimes two, almost as thin as a hair, of quite springy metal. I imagined being able to get hold of the bulbous end and draw out the implant. I never did.

Because the implant was never there.

The only thing intentionally implanted, was the idea of the implant. That was all that was needed for the mind control. An implant is not needed when the desired effect can be achieved with the belief that an implant is there. The fake implant, that can reveal to the adults in charge what I am thinking. So i have no choice but to try to control my thoughts. As long as i am controlling my thoughts in fear of being caught out, i am so easily controlled. Not just for individual mind control, but for mass mind control (now aka mass formation psychosis) also.

The belief of a physical implant is created by suggestion and a setup of circumstances. A child can easily be tricked, by theatrical setups, into thinking that the adults really CAN read their thoughts – the implant is real and it works. This is because the situation is set up, and the circumstances controlled. A child cannot see through such circumstances. When a child is young and critical thinking is not yet developed, it is easy to use theater to make them believe all kinds of things are real. Implants, aliens, etc.

The adults that do these kinds of things to children are disgusting sick monsters that destroy entire lives by the harm they do to children. The human race cannot progress while such monsters freely live among us.

I have heard from a number of other Ritual Abuse survivors, that they believe they have such implants. I cant know if they are real, or fake like mine. I know that research into such implants are real – even movies have had a say about them – ex. “Terminal Man”. But in the case of ritual abuse and mind control, they are likely not needed. Trickery is more than enough with a young child.

I hope that the consideration of an implant being fake, can help other ritual abuse survivors with their recovery.

Child Abusers: Men vs Women

This is my experience and interpretation of men and women physical and sexual abusers in my childhood. It may not match others experience or interpretation, and it may be different for girl victims, especially with women abusers.

In my childhood, male abusers far outnumbered women abusers, but the effect on me was not so one-sided. Women spent much more time with their abuse, and have a much greater psychological effect. Of the mental damage that i have repaired, most of it is from my stepmother.

Men and women generally abuse in different ways, because men are physically stronger than both women and children. Women can overpower only children, and this is only until they get bigger – its not permanent. Women grow up knowing that men will always be stronger, and they must find other ways to be secure from being a victim. For women, the task of staying safe is their everyday life – while for men it is just occasional.

Male abusers typically abuse for a short time, and the abuse is mostly physical. Men need to overwhelm and beat down a child, to get evidence that their victim is totally powerless, and they can feel satisfied that they can achieve this anytime they want. Some are brutal and nasty, some are manipulative about it. But once they have had their desired experience of total victory, they are satisfied and leave – until the next time.

Women are not satisfied with short term defeat of their victim, generally. Especially with boys, who can grow up and then be able to overpower the abuser. Women need evidence theat they are perpetually safe, and can get this from a sense of ‘forever submission’. By persistent manipulation and control over a long period, women can get a sense of security, when their victim genuinely shows they will not fight back or try to get free. Women will stay around to persist with their manipulation and control. It is their goal to take control of the victims mind. They want to be the master of the victim. But this requires permanent access, to be sure of ongoing control.

In more extreme abuse, such as mine, there are psychological methods, such as hypnosis, to set up ways of controlling the victim once they live elsewhere. By phone calls especially, using the power of the voice and pre-installed commands, they can preserve control and their sense of security. In my case, my stepmother was the primary communicator, my “handler” – my stepfather had very little contact with me. It was vital that I always had a phone they could use to talk to me by voice. There was ‘callback programming’, to give me the urge to contact them, and to remain in contact. Text is not enough, it must be voice – or even better, presence. In my case, voice was enough, for many years.

Although outnumbered by men, women abusers make up for it with their persistent manipulation and control.

Menticide: a term for individual mind control

Definition by Merriam-Webster: “Medical Definition of menticide : a systematic and intentional undermining of a person’s conscious mind : brainwashing

I have used the term “mind control”, and “ritual sbuse” for such a long time. But I never felt satisfied with their capacity to communicate what i was referring to. I have now searched for, and found what I was looking for. An established term that captures what i want to communicate, but without the baggage that comes with almost all other frequently used terms that are used to describe my experiences – such as mind control, brainwashing, ritual abuse, etc.

So I can now describe my experiences as “childhood menticide”, and be satisfied that this term expresses what actually happened to me.

Did I really get ECT?

My situation is that I have no memory or records of getting ECT/electroshock. Yet I claim, and speak about myself as having brain damage from ECT. How do I justify it?

Here are some of the reasons why I talk about myself as a survivor of ECT:

  • memory loss from before 15, the time I conclude I had the most recent ECT. Because I can hardly recall anything from before I was 15, before grade 10, I cant know for sure if I got ECT at other times before that.
  • strong emotional reaction to the topic, similar to other topics that relate to ways I have been harmed, such as circumcision.
  • a very significant nightmare, relating to electricity being applied to me
  • guided visualizations where ECT effects were discovered.
  • similar outcomes to known ECT survivors, including not having any recollection of getting ECT
  • like other ECT survivors, I also am not very upset about what memories are lost because of ECT. I have the saying about memories lost by ECT: “You cant miss what you never had”. Thats what ECT does to memories – It makes them the same as never having existed.
  • in late secondary school, grade 10 onward, I was teased by other students about being “stupid”.
  • I recall math being so easy in grade 9, and getting an A without trying, thats my impression of what happened. Yet from grade 10 onward, I struggled to pass most of my subjects, and graduate from high school. Math and some other things) became, and remain even now, so difficult for me. I have tried to learn math, such as matrices and calculus, and was unable to get it. Yet I am able to learn to code – just not able to do it day after day. From my grade 10 progress reports, i see that teachers observed my drop in performance and just noted that I wasn’t trying enough.
  • I have documents from the time I went to a government child psychiatrist clinic in grade 3, and information about that clinic states that it also used experimental methods including electroshock. This time corresponds to all the inner 6 year old me’s that I have dug up and healed.
  • spending a large amount of time trying to organize my life in a simple enough way so I can get my head around it again and again – because I cannot preserve in my mind the plan of my life. (This ability is an executive function that is often destroyed by ECT, and may be a core reason why ECT survivors can no longer work, run businesses, keep on top of personal finances, even take care of themselves properly.)

If I visualize my life as a long jigsaw puzzle, I can follow it back, and see what my experience of life was, what it was like to be there, what was going on day to day, week to week. I dont have all the pieces, but I can see the picture it makes. Then at 15 it just drops off and I have hardly any pieces at all, and theres no way to make a picture from the few that exist. Thats my childhood. Some of the few memories are vivid, but they are so few I cannot recall my experience of life. The drop off in amount of memory is sudden, not gradual, and its at about 15, not about 5. For example, I dont have a single memory of the experience of going through puberty. Not a single one.

ECT is one of the topics I get negatively emotional about, angry about. I dont get upset about all kinds of crimes against humanity, but the ones I suffered make me angry. ECT is one of the crimes against humanity that angers me.

Watching videos made my ECT survivors talking about what it is like for them, and describe other aspects of their lives, lets me know that many of the issues I deal with in my life are shared by others who have survived ECT.

I spend a lot of time trying to organize myself, primarily because I cannot preserve in my mind a complex picture of my life. In high school and university, I tried to organize my studies into folders, and tried to keep lists of what needed to be done. But this was not effective. I was not able to maintain or use the organizing methods properly. My inner life remained a relatively unorganized chaos that constantly interfered with my daily life.

As my life progressed, I gradually reduced that inner chaos by reducing possessions. I found that the less possessions I had, the more I was able to manage them. Eventually, I began to do this with information that I had kept. But there was so much I wanted to keep, organizing it into a hierarchy was not practical, and didnt make that information accessible. Eventually I simplified the format of the information, that is, I collected the information into 2 categories – media and text. All the text became digitized and is collected together. All the media is collected together as much as possible.

This has resulted in a searchable collection, rather than a structured hierarchy. The searchable collection is the one that I can actually use. An example of this, is that it is easier for me to search the internet each time I want to find something out, than to use that same information that I had kept from past searches, that sits in a hierarchy – even if I have a sense that I have already kept that information. I cant do hierarchies well, yet sometimes they are unavoidable.

It took some coding and processing of the information to standardize the formatting, and I dont know how I would have done it if I couldnt write scripts to automate parts of the process. The following descriptions of my inner work is included here because it is part of a searchable collection, which I accessed to dig out relevant parts.

My own mind holds some clues to ECT, including dreams and nightmares. One of these, from 14mar2002 I share here:

In the nightmare, I was riding along a bike path at night, my bike light was nearly flat. A man in a suit was around and when I rode past, he asked me to help him out with a torch, to read some map or something he had. So with that help, he goes up to a power grid facility that was in the park and after looking at it and verbally pointing out some points labeled with a “V”, gets out this chunky insulated electrical cable. He holds it up to certain points, and as he nearly gets it in place I realize he’s going to short something out.

So then I move it fast and ride away as quick as I can, but I suddenly get this strong feeling of being irradiated with some energy, but its so strong its affecting my ability to move. I rush home to my unit which is on the edge of a park, as quickly as I can. A man is running after me. I wonder if there was two of them. I lock my door in fear and grab the phone to call triple zero.

I feel like Im getting fried and my body temperature is rising. Its like the feeling or an x-ray but crippling – the feeling of my entire body being “buzzed” or “zapped” on a molecular level. I try to call triple zero but I cant hear properly or tell if my phone is working properly. When I find that I seem to be talking to someone, I say to him where I am and that someone has done something to the power supply. I can hardly talk, I feel like Im dying.

About the aftereffects of this nightmare I wrote:

I woke up from this nightmare feeling physically uncomfortable, incapacitated. I found soon enough that I wasnt. A rather extraordinary nightmare. I havent had one before that involved so much physical sensation. It was very strange. And the nightmare was about a very strange thing.

At the time I had the nightmare, I didnt understand what it represented, but about a month later when I revisited what I wrote, it became clear that it was about ECT:

I put the dream analysis of my nightmare onto a CD. While listening back to it, I realized that the dream was about electroshock treatment, and the feeling of being zapped is the feeling of getting electroshock. The cable that the man held the 2 ends of represents the electrodes. I was what was being shorted out.

Later on I learned more about ECT, especially how it destroys past memories. In 2004 when I watched the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, I reacted quite strongly to it and I felt that it had disturbed many parts of my subconscious mind, which I could feel being active. I was so disturbed I had to leave my friend and spend some time alone. I dont think the movie is an accurate description of ECT, but I think it gets the message across of what ECT does to memories, except that ECT is indiscriminate with its effects. It really is a matter of indiscriminately killing part of the brain and seeing if that fixes the ‘problem’.

Nore recently, in late 2015, I had another inner revelation about ECT. I was doing a healing process using the tools of, and I had asked my subconscious to direct me to that location in my body that corresponded to the issue I was addressing.

It is in my heart – solar plexus area, very close to the front, about the base of my sternum. The child there is about 4 or 5. When I asked what it was all about I got some flashes of being in a room scared, but not more info. I then somehow got the understanding that my survival strategy was to break up into pieces and “scatter”, as a way of escaping the bad things that were happening to me. That is the way I have lived my whole life. […] I asked the inner child to take me to the place that shows what happened. He took, me, running, with the environment whizzing by in a blur, to a small room, like a lab, with a central table for a person to lay on. My inner child said “this is what destroyed us”. “This” refers to ECT (electroshock).

[…] One thing I notice from my visualization is that my inner child referred to us as being destroyed. I know I often come up against the belief that I will never get better, never recover, but I keep trying anyway.

I know there are more parts of my mind, tucked away, that have more pieces of this puzzle. This healing process showed me that they exist and can be retrieved.

More came out with another of Melanie’s guided processes in mid 2017. (Not all processes deal with this issue. There’s plenty of other abuse issues that also get worked on):

While I was listening, and didnt really have a particular thing in mind to begin with, I had a strange thing come up in my minds eye, and it was me in the front driveway of Curdies st [secondary school house], looking toward the street, about level with the corner of the house. In the visualization I was confused, and didnt know much about myself. I knew I was Gary and I didnt know why I was there at that moment, I didnt know how I got there. And then a car drove into the driveway. At first it was a random house in […] then I recognized it as Curdies st. The car that drove up had a male driver, he came out, and walked up to me and asked me who I was etc. My eyes were at his neck height. So Im not a little kid. But not fully grown. And Im really vague. Im not sure who the man is. While Im thinking this it arises that my temples are bleeding a little. Slowly I realized in my current self that this is about ECT, and maybe is of the time I was wiped. I cried in my current self while observing this in my minds eye. Yet there was not trauma in the recollection. Just not knowing anything much. Not confused, just kind of zombie like, not able to talk properly. The weather is not cold or warm. Im wearing long sleeves and pants, so its not summer. It is between March and October probably, but not winter either. March April, or September October, I think. The car that drives in is big, but no particular brand or shape. Its wide like the Ford, not the Torana. And not shaped like the Beetle, its sedan shaped. Maybe it was the Falcon, maybe not. […] I was actually in the first person in this recollection. Then I began to take steps to go on there as my current self and rescue the me from that recollection. It really gives me a clue as to how much I was wiped. I could hardly talk. I knew my name but I didnt know how I came to be in that place at that time.

When I began the process a physical pain arose in a very small location next the my spine, just to the right, just below my shoulder blades. Im not sure what it relates to but maybe its something to do with electroshock. Its possible that the spinal column is used to carry electricity to the brain. Im not sure. I still have that painful spot. Its a tensed muscle, and quite small.

[…] I did the second shift in section 1. Another me, not long after that wiping event, came up with strong feelings about being stupid, and being aware of having become stupid and also that I was made stupid by something, but I didnt know what that was. More crying came out over that one. I knew something had happened to me to make me stupid, but later on I had forgotten that anything happened to me.

In mid 2018 I came across, in a visualization, many hundreds of teenager me’s, maybe about 15, that were all wearing very pale blue tops and pants, like yoga clothes or hospital clothes – looking like an army in uniform. In the visualization I had previously found my “trance-breaker”, who instructed me how to break the trance of subconscious parts by touching their left hand with my right hand (The color and the hand touching instructions relate to mind control programming). In my subconscious, I have many children about age 5 or 6, and many teenagers about age 14. Those are the 2 biggest groups.

Following is another part of the healing process, afterward:

So Ive rescued myself, and rose up above that, above my timeline. And Im kind of still agitated, that part of me is still agitated and cant, not really able to communicate, not able to calm down and express whats going on. Hes still really agitated and doesnt know whats going on. Hes really like, I suppose just confused. Part of me suspects that it is a post electroshock state, before that phase passes and I kind of return to reality. Its such a disconnected feeling, such a lot of agitation that goes with it, and with that feeling across my upper chest.

[…] So I did a partial merging with that part of me, it was a bit difficult to do. He was not able to give his permission to merge, or be communicated with at all, so I just went ahead and did it, and got a little bit of the merging shivers and stuff like that. And I felt that agitated feeling while merging and stuff like that. Yeah, quite strongly. And it reminds me of that agitated feeling that I used to get. when I was writing about it I would describe it as ‘I dont want to do anything but I cant do nothing’. It was really just an agitated and disturbed feeling, and this is that feeling, or very similar to it. […]  Im guessing, but not sure – that could be the state of mind that exists after getting electroshock, and before that effect wears off and before I get my sense of reality back.

As I was 15 when I was ‘wiped’, its not possible for me to demonstrate that the ECT took away my ability to live independently and function well, because at that time I was still completely dependent on my stepfamily.

I cant recall enough from before getting wiped, to sense much about what I was like, what I was able to do – not enough to understand what I would be able to do if I was not given an electric lobotomy – without my permission – by what amounts to a serial killer in a white coat.

A serial killer in a white coat.

Mind Control revelation Apr2000

This information about mind control is from April y2000. It now seems to be fine to publish it, whereas in the past it was not fine to do so. Here it appears in webpage quotation block format, but there has been some spelling and punctuation corrections, and [clarifications]. The revealing text that appears to be my higher self talking, is a translation of what was communicated, by a part of my mind that has the capacity, written by me. In the text, it refers to “alters” – these are trauma-induced separations of consciousness – usually by torture, rape, extreme neglect.

The voice in my mind told me these things. The host = the body. The host has not had its own voice since the consciousness split in first year of life. Before the split, the single consciousness = the host, but after, the separated consciousnesses became the selves, with voices or not, and the host, the body simply became the physical carrier.

This explains the relationship between the physical body and the mind, before and after being intentionally split by trauma. The trauma applied to mind control victims is designed to split the mind in a particular way for the purpose of gaining control over that mind. This is unlike normal traumatic life events, which almost everyone has to some degree even if they dont recall it, or are not significantly impacted by it.

The wall of cages with the little me’s in all of them, that I visualized ages ago, they are my multiples, my alters. So if they were all in the cages, who was looking at them?

This refers to a visualization I had about many versions of my young self in cages. I enquired about the consciousness that was looking at those child versions of me – that question resulted in this revelation. A voice associated with part of my mind revealed the following information (the higher self does not communicate with words, but parts of the mind translate its communication into words).

It was I, the voice of the one that knows all, I sent you the image. I needed you to record something, way back then. I chose that image. I needed you to know what happened to your childhood. Yes, you can call me Knower, if you like. It doesnt really matter what you call me. I am here to guide you and your healing. I am the voice you sometimes perceive as your higher self. I know about all the things that have happened to you. I am connected with other things, wider perceptions. I am the one that seems like the wise one, and tells you if you are on the right path or not, if what you are thinking is true. I am sort of separate from you, but I am familiar with all you have been through. I am sad for you, but Im not the source of any of your sadness. Your selves hold a record of all your experiences and emotions. I simply have access to that information, and I am your guide through it. You are making good progress. You need not be concerned about that, or your safety. I am also your protector. If you follow my advice, as you tend to do, you will be safe.

A question arose about other parts of my mind fighting against receiving advice from my higher self…

Hmmmm. What to do about your paranoid selves. They are very good at blocking my advice. They dislike very much to not be required, necessary, or right. Never mind. To err on the side of caution is not such a bad thing in your current situation. I am sort of part of you, but not trapped, in a cage like most. I am situated beyond the reach of all those that tried to manipulate you. You maintained quite a good line of communication with me, that they could not access. It was very well done, and now the benefits of this secure link, or connection is paying off. There is not much more to tell you at this moment. I know each of you wants to know more, many of you all at once, but you will still have to survive. You are not yet enough aware of all your selves to know such things from me. You would become too embroiled in turmoil, and the stable situation that you have developed for yourself would be undone.

This opportunity to speak with me has arisen out of a number of factors. Your new therapy, reading the book “when rabbit howls”, and the current astronomical / astrological situation. All these things have upset your barriers, much to your satisfaction. Yes the 71/4 year cycle, that is the basis of the 29 year cycle is an astronomical effect. Look to the patterns in planetary formation, and their gravitational effects on each other. The alignment this much is heavily influencing your behavior, and everyone else’s. It is a global effect, as you believe.

Know that you have taken on a lot with this life, and you are doing well. Some very interesting times are coming up. A lot of consciousnesses have gathered to be a part of such a special experience. Rest assured, it will be amazing! You are part of its beginning.

A question arose about comparing this advice to having “delusions of grandeur”. It reveals some of the nature of the mind control circumstances, and the people that participated in programming children, experimenting on children …

yes, I am [a source of] your ‘delusions of grandeur’, so to speak, that is why Dr. H [a psychiatrist I was treated by] tried to make you feel bad about such things. the manipulators know very well that every person has a connection with such an awareness as i. they know they cannot control it like other aspects of your mind. so they try to confuse you by creating the alters that produce your delusions of grandeur, while mimicking the emotion you feel when connected with me. you know that with me you feel good and powerful and protected. but I do not tell you your future. the mimicking alters do. they try to control your behavior by mimicking my advice. a poor version of me, but often effective, and they know this by their observations. you notice that your bad typing alter is trying to stop you from getting this out. it is time to realize that your alters are more modular than you think. you have an array of programs that are performed by a range of control alters. each program is for a separate little function, like whether to be able to type or not. the control alters decide which programs to assemble into what you actually perform and behave.

You know now that the programmers were actually acting a lot out of curiosity. they were fascinated by the human mind and the source of consciousness. they did what they did as much out of that curiosity as they did to program you to function as they were employed to do.

Much of what they programmed into you was above that called for by their employers. part of that you are already familiar with. the programming to uncover the truth. that is unofficial. in fact some of them acted specifically to sabotage the intended project results. but they hid their identities very well. they knew they had to be careful, simply because they knew from the examples they were working with, that all manner of awful things would happen to them. they were not stupid.

Yes, your feelings of safe attachment to techies and subordinate scientists arose from these experiences. those at the top were much less likely to participate in unofficial ‘nice’ stuff – maybe bad stuff, but not ‘nice’ stuff.

“Nice”, in this case does not mean the same thing as normal people being nice to each other. this refers to an absence of cruelty, a resistance to being nasty, resistance to the characteristics that the leaders of mind control programs had in abundance. Also it reveals something about the programmers – they were often employees – this was done secretly within an organization, separate from the programming done within cult groups …

but remember, all is relative. they may have been more on your side [than the worst ones], but they were still happy to be employed as they were, just to satisfy their curiosity. and doing that alone can and did lead to a lot of unpleasant stuff [destroying human lives].

There was the one from outside. the one you have already recalled. he was different. you are not ready to know where he came from. I only have information through my higher connections, not through your experiences. he was a master. that is why it was so easy for him, why he seemed so at ease and such a natural. he was the one that put in place the blockages that enabled you to resist as easily as you could, the more violent outcomes. it would have been much more difficult for you to stay away from undesirable influences if it were not for his programming.

Well, enough to mull over. there will be much more.

Oh, another bit, triggered by a conversation. yes, you have noticed that whenever you ask me a question, I will give you an answer without delay. it’s not as if I have to think about it. I already know, whatever your question is. in fact, I answer every question you ask. most of the time you do not wish to hear the answer. much of the time your programming blocks or alters my answers, giving a confusing or conflicting result. some of my answers your programming is designed to intercept and corrupt. you sense when this happens, but you are not yet able to correct it. sometimes your own construct of reality has the same effect. part of this is due to your upbringing, your culture, your own view of reality, and sometimes it is just because you are a human being and such an answer would upset your ability to be a human, to function in your body with the limits it places on the experience that you can have in this life. it is this kind of information that you dont really need to know.

Anyway, as you realized in your conversation, there are ways to get around the alters interference with my answers. you can ask and then decide to let me deliver the answer to you in another way. many people do this, not knowing they can just ask directly. but in your case, it is a useful tool. I can answer your question in many ways and when you receive the answer, you will have an awareness of it being the answer to your question. yes, you notice a lot that you often get answers to questions that you dont understand how you asked, like finding a library book. well, I get asked questions by alters you dont know exist and I also can accept questions in any format you can ask them. doesnt have to be verbal. so ask away – not that you havent been.

Yes, this is a little like the book “conversations with god”, isnt it. like I said, everyone, no exceptions, has a direct line to a higher self. most people choose to keep it non-verbal. [responding to my question about what I will do with revelations i receive, being someone who likes to write] no, youre not going to write a similar book. you have other plans. no Im not going to tell you what they are, you havent exactly decided on them yet. it is not set, but you have already decided on a path that will lead to a certain range of decisions. you already are aware of that.

It was made clear to me that my own future would not be made clear. In hindsight, if it was made clear, I would have done everything I could to not follow some aspects of that path, which would have meant refusing to follow my path.

As long as you still have so many fragments that you are unaware of, you have to be real careful about following orders, especially from within. Yes, each fragment was created in a fear event. Only you can create a fragmentation. They cannot do that. But they can make you do it. What they set up was post-hypnotic commands that not only caused you to experience great fear, but also fear that attached elsewhere, not on them [portable fears are required for portable effects]. For this, they use abstract fears, such as water, monsters, stuff like that. They cannot make your fragments, they can only make you make them.

This clarifies how alters / split personalities, are created. The programmers / abusers create circumstances that causes the victim’s mind to create a separation of consciousness.

I havent discussed at all the motivation of these abusers. I want to be clear that they justify these acts to themselves, with some expression of the following delusions:

  • right to rule/exploit lesser beings
  • necessity of sacrificing some for the greater good
  • spiritual/magical power benefit of causing suffering in others

Why I tried to stay friends with my exes

Looking back on my life, I see that I usually tried to stay friends with my exes. For so long I didn’t understand why I did this. As I began to heal my relationship wounds, I realized I was trying to stay safe. I tried to stay friends because a part of my mind that feared for my safety was powerful enough to control my actions.

Even after I realized that some of my exes were just arseholes, it took further healing to realize what was really going on. It was my childhood programming.

As a child, I wasn’t free to leave, and I was tormented by women that I had no ability to influence. I couldn’t reject them, or end the relationship. I was forced to be friendly to women that raped, molested and tortured me. I had to, after all they did to me, be friendly, or get punished. I didn’t have to work out the management strategy for myself. It was forced on me.

So, as an adult, my damaged inner child parts continued on this strategy with my intimate relationships. It was the damaged child parts of me that kept me hanging on to contact, usually until the other broke it off. Only when it was obvious they had no further interest in me, could I let it go. And then I enjoyed the relief, at the time a little puzzling, of being free of them.

This was also usually the reason I got into relationships. Often I was just responding to interest from women, from the damaged child part of me. Just as if I was assigned to a woman to serve as her child toy, I allowed my adult self to respond to advances from women. Most of my relationships started like this, and would never have happened if I hadn’t been a survivor of child sex trafficking and ritual abuse. Thats because I wasn’t interested in them, but my programming forced me to comply.

Over time, I got better at not hanging on, not trying to stay in touch. With some I even cut them out while they were still interested in me, which sometimes led to them trying to get revenge for me saying no to them. Some succeeded, leaving me wary of women still now.

Basically, if a woman is attracted to me, I feel there is a chance she is a psychopath. I should be careful not to reject them, but to pretend I haven’t noticed their interest, so that they cant feel offended and then seek revenge. Of course I know most women aren’t like this, and many would be offended at the suggestion. But those women aren’t the kind that have been attracted to me. Energy vampires have been attracted to me.

Ive never had a relationship that wasn’t corrupted by the influence of my damaged child parts. These days, I don’t keep in touch with any ex. I decided to cut them all out of my life, just to clear that issue from my future. Perhaps in the future, after further healing, I may even get to experience a relationship as a human being, rather than as an adult child prostitute. But its not a great priority for me.

They threatened … “You’re very brave”

It is often said to those speaking out about past abuse, “You’re very brave.” Or something similar. As long as it includes the word “brave”, that’s what matters.

I find it very triggering when I hear it, and I have awareness that it was said to me as a child, and it was something to fear.

In ritual abuse, I have the awareness that saying this is a threat. Its not a compliment. It is saying ‘you are very brave to do or say something that you know you will be punished for’. It implies foreknowledge of the punishment assigned to such a deed. It implies that the act was done in defiance, or because of being naughty. The phrase is code, especially when used on adults. It is designed to trigger silence programming.

So when I hear this said to people speaking out about past abuse, I immediately suspect a ritual abuse source. Its not guaranteed, but it is possible until proven otherwise. I know that some parents that are not involved in ritual abuse, use this phrase in this way, I’ve heard it used scowlingly to small children in public. And some people say this as a compliment, in a tone of voice that matches the meaning. The context exposes the intention and true meaning.

My Investment in My True Path

It was brought to my attention, by a language channel’s recent video on how to motivate continued progress in learning (JapanesePod101) – that described tips to assist in learning – that one great benefit to learning a new language is having an investment to lose.

This got me asking myself, as I clearly have made a commitment to my healing path: What investment have I made in my path of healing, that could be lost?

It took a bit of analysis and pushing through some mental barriers.

I must, as a necessity, have made in investment in my true path, for me to continually proceed, with my healing work, otherwise I would not have continued for decades. For an extended moment, I struggled to realize what my investment was. But then, it was clear.

My investment in my path in life was what I had discarded. The opportunities and path in life that I have discarded as options. I have discarded things like career, family, wealth, a good name – many kinds of prosperity I have discarded – but for what?

I have discarded these things because I cannot bear them. In this way, I have trusted the universe to have the wisdom, or at least the foresight, to lay out the best path for me. And I have done this out of desperation – of having every door closed upon me – of having every opportunity thrown in my face as an insult to my value as a human being.

I cannot keep a hold of these socially-valuable opportunities, possessions – these external things – they are so injurious to my peaceful mindset. They are not for me. I didnt control these things. It is more accurate to admit that the universe, life, is living through me, and I am just a vessel for phenomena to express. It is the universe that sets my path and decorates me with the tools and ‘leanness’ to travel my path.