Guided Healing Visualization v2

Hi. An updated version of my guided healing visualization is available.

It is a visualization that I made to suit my own healing needs, and it may be helpful for others.

Visit this page to download the most recent version, and read information about how it can be used.

This is an updated version of the guided healing process that i made available here.

Comment if you wish to give feedback.

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Guided healing visualization / meditation

Update: A more recent version of this Guided Visualization is available. Go to this page to download it.

After using the guided visualizations of others for so many years, I finally created one for myself that is more suited to my needs. Here is is for you to freely use.

The following information is included in the zip file of the multi track mp3 album (click to download).

Two ways to use this multiple audio track healing process:

  1. without any predetermined issue or idea – begin with the first track.
  2. with an issue or idea that has already arisen – begin with the second track.

This guided visualization:

  • does not change what happened in your life, or your memories.
  • does not reduce the distinction between reality and imagination.
  • may change your interpretation of your life experiences.
  • may change your conclusions about your life and about yourself.

The audio mentions “timeline”, “merging”, and a “safe space of your creation”.

Timeline:

  • this is a minds-eye representation of the events in your life, in order.
  • it contains references to unalterable memories, and alterable interpretations/opinions.

Merging:

  • is the process of visualizing another version of ourself, coming into us and becoming one being.
  • may happen easily and quickly, or may be impossible until a later time.
  • may be resisted by a self that does not trust us – it may first require explaining the situation, negotiating or making friends. It is typical that the other self has some separate consciousness. It may be like dealing with a fearful child, requiring comforting and building of trust over time.
  • may be impossible due to the rare case of the other self being a disguised intruder. Also possible, are true selves being disguised as something else.

A safe space of your creation:

  • a place created in the minds-eye.
  • separate from the timeline.
  • can hold selves that can not yet be merged.
  • can visit anytime for visualizing further healing work.

This guided visualization:

  • is freely available for anyone to use and is free of obligation or contract.
  • is partially based on visualizations by Brandon Bays, Christopher Howard, and Melanie Tonia Evans – also many other influence and personal experience.
  • is tailored to me, so it may not suit others. Feedback is welcome.

END.

Separation from my body to escape suffering

These days, self-integrity is really important to me. I will sacrifice comfort, convenience and opprotunity to retain and regain my self-integrity. I understand the consequence of a divided mind – weighing me down with internal conflicts and the energy required to keep track of all the inconsistencies and when to allow or forbid each one.

As a child, i had no understanding of my self-integrity or its value. I was motivated by the experience of the moment. I cared about minimizing suffering and maximizing enjoyment. This meant mentally separating from my body to minimise the suffering of abuse. As the abuse included my head, i also separated from my head, my own face, and restricted my personal space to a small volume within my skull. I created an alternative reality in there to compensate for the loss of my connection to my physical reality. A place to hang out in my mind.

I had been aware of this separation, but recently i became aware of something much more difficult to admit to myself. Not only did i withdraw from the abuse, I participated in it in a way that seemed to me to reduce the suffering. That meant proactively behaving in a way that I believed would make the abusers nicer to me, and it probably worked. Yet it meant pretending to be attracted to, and turned on my abusers, who i found disgusting.

This is not news to me. For decades I have had disturbing ‘flashbacks’ of such appeasement. These were so disgusting to me – an awful experience to have such things arise in my mind without warning. Despite knowing this, I tried to avoid it, to make it go away. I couldnt. I just didnt want to deal with the idea that i helped them abuse me. When I recently admitted that I did this kiind of appeasement, I released a lot of grief about it.

Some people describe this as “fawning”, the act of trying to appease the abuser to lessen the abuse – its part of the set “Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Feign, Flirt” – that describes the different responses to trauma.

PostEdit – A commenter reminded me of “Feign”, and Im adding “Flirt” to the list to make 6. I also think there may be a reason to add a word for hypochondria to the list, as some use that, to guilt the abuser into not abusing.

For me, appeasing the abuser is an extremely offensive thing, its disgusting. Those pedophiles are human scum. Especially difficult to admit is pretending to be attracted to and to act as if I liked the abuser. I understand that it meant less torture, less nastiness from the abuusers. But as a child, i was unable to see the bigger picture, to see the consequences of this. I chose to perform to avoid suffering. I was in a mindset of present experience, and did what it took to make that present experience less awful, less traumatic. I had no awareness of the deep harmful effects in my mind. Only now that I am healing from the abuse am i becoming aware of the unforseen consequences.

I forgive my young self, for doing what he could to lessen the suffering. I will continue with my work to heal all the harm that was done to my mind. It is such a relief to purge these trapped conflicts from my mind.

Lockdowns and Triggered Unhealed Parts

When the lockdowns came to my city, parts of my mind were triggered. In response, i was stressed and on edge. Eventually I got around to addressing the reaction and healing those parts.

I found that the restrictions on my movement triggered some unhealed child parts, because there was a pattern of abuse that involved restriction of movement. For some of my abuse, especially by paying sicko monster strangers, I was prepared for it by being placed in a certain location where I couldnt leave. This restriction of movement was the pattern that my unhealed parts recognized in the pandemic lockdowns. They panicked, as they were expecting abuse and suffering to follow.

Once I was able to address the reaction, by following the emotions to the unhealed parts, I was able to heal them – using closed eye visualizations of the healing process that I typically use. The panic went away, along with the stress of having my movement restricted. Then I was able to appreciate the lockdown – if only for its help with digging up these parts so that I could heal them.

Notes on a guided healing process relating to resistance to healing work

Trigger warning: Brief description of a satanic ritual.

For the first time in quite a while, im doing a healing process guided by tools created by Melanie Tonia Evans. The process involves 3 pairs of shifts.

………………….

As I began and searched for what was a significant feeling for me at the time, I went to a feeling that was like a large beach ball sized bubble surrounding my head and arms and upper torso, and it blocks my awareness of my world. And the feeling that comes with it is strange, a kind of shaking or agitation, but not negative, just kind of baffled, shaken, unaware. It’s a strange sensation. And some tears came with the visualization, but they weren’t associated with a feeling of grief. There was a lot of detachment.

After shift 1.1, the feeling that was with me was tension around the base of my neck and it really seems related to hands around my neck, from behind. Im primary school age. At first, not sure if it’s associated with my ‘primary school biscuit choking incident’, but I sense its an adults hands anyway, and im not choking on anything. So its not that. And the tension is like a burning feeling in my skin and muscles, like a Chinese burn feels like.

Starting section 2 (second pair of shifts) about my resistance to what I have uncovered. I found myself as a child, laying on my back, wanting whatever is happening to not happen – I don’t want to experience it, I don’t want to go through it.

I now understand that this is my resistance. The event must be experienced and endured and accepted. And it’s the same for my resistance to the healing work, because that part of me doesn’t want to go through it again, as it feels it is still back there and its really going to happen again.

But im not back there and healing myself is not the same as going through it again. An important realization about the nature of my resistance and stuckness, during the last few months, where my physical health has deteriorated.

So that’s an important realization about my resistance, that my unhealed parts react as if they are back there, and this avoid healing work, as to them, it is no different than the real thing, so they do whatever they can to avoid going back there in reality or memory. My resistance is caused by parts of me that don’t know my abuse is in the past, but believe there is more to come, and any sign of it approaching makes them desperately try to avoid it.

After shift 2.1, I merged with that child me, and he now understands that it’s a memory and so he sat up on the altar in the memory, and according to what was in the visualization, he was sitting on an altar and there were about 10 or so adults there, frozen, not moving, as if time had stopped. The child me in the memory, took the man in the cloak standing behind the altar, holding up a knife as if to stab the child me, and laid him on the altar and got another woman to stand in his place and stab him in the heart with the knife. But they are all frozen in time still, like dummies.

Then I realized that a resistance I have, is wanting revenge. But I know that to take revenge is to undo the repayment and it must be repaid again somehow.

Also, in the visualization, I wasn’t stabbed, so perhaps there was something done to make me think I had been stabbed, or just threatened to be stabbed. Im not sure. I was just a kid, it was easy to trick me. Anyway, that’s my resistance to deal with in this shift. Also, the kid that wants revenge is not the same one as merged with before, this one is a different part of me.

Another thing about this process, compared to past healing work with this tool, is that im concentrating less, pushing less to get that result, so I have more thoughts about other things coming in from outside, distracting me a little. But the process is proceeding anyway.

This visualization of an alter and pretend or threatened sacrifice, is, I think, maybe the second one I’ve had about a satanic ritual, coming up during a healing process. That I can recall right now anyway. The first one came out nearly 20 years ago and all this time I’ve had some awareness of there being more but not recalling anything significant. Interesting. And the feeling of this one is different, less stressful, less terrible. There doesn’t seem to be a dead child in this visualization.

Starting section 3. I had an interesting visualization and merged with the child from the altar, but then there was another me from the altar that couldn’t let go of the need for revenge, even the need to make them stop their crimes. So I had 2 child me’s, like twins, one helping me and one resisting me. The resisting one hasn’t fully merged with me, but is kind of sticking out my left side, still wanting to make justice happen, rather than letting natural justice take its course.

Now in shift 3.2, I have merged with the part that wanted revenge and to stop them.

And then for a short time, I wasn’t sure what was left in the healing process. But a feeling of irritation came to my esophagus. So I will process on that. There is the feeling and also the awareness that something has happened but I don’t know what it was. I just have a sore esophagus and don’t know why. And im aware that something happened to it but I don’t remember it.

Then, after referring to that feeling, I didn’t write about it after the end of the process, so it is left hanging, to be picked up again another time.

A note on the feeling of merging. It is like a shiver in my torso, the same as always. Not sure why its that, but it just has always been like that.

Maybe integration isn’t always necessary

In the last few days I have reconsidered what I want my recovery to be – my reconsideration arises from interacting with someone who has expanded my view of recovery.

Until now I had just seen integration as my goal, without really questioning it, as it seemed the logical conclusion to some healing work that I had done, and had benefits for me. So I just kept incorporating that stage into other healing work without actually questioning its necessity.

Now I think about it more and see that its not directly my goal, but an extrapolation of my goal. My actual goal really is – and always has been – to not have flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety and other things that sabotage my life. So I ask if I really need to integrate all the broken off parts of my mind – perhaps this mission would be so time consuming that I miss out on expressing with the subsequent productivity that I gain.

Maybe just rescuing them or somehow removing them from their prison is enough to stop their contribution to my life sabotage. As long as they don’t sabotage my life, isnt that enough? I can focus on that and then if I feel integration is necessary to consolidate particular life skills, or to complete the healing work in that instance, then I can proceed with that.

However, I have been here in the past, kind of. I had healed a little, and thought that maybe this was enough, and I could continue with my life. Yet I was still self sabotaging. Now I am more aware and can easily see that the arising of negative emotion and self-sabotaging thinking patterns are an indication I need more healing, and that I cant just overcome it with my willpower alone.

Reconsidering this has really helped me refine my recovery goal. Rather than studiously work through particular steps that have sometimes been really beneficial, I want my recovery to be based on desired outcomes, not procedures. I can decide to integrate if that is required to achieve the desired recovery outcome – and not, if it doesnt.

Bouncing ideas off others and receiving their insight and inspiration, has been so beneficial for me. It is much better to heal within a community of others – than to continue alone as I had been.

Measuring my healing progress

For me, measuring how much I am healed is an impossible thing. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t know how I would be without the abuse. It will always influence me.
Yet I think and talk about making progress in my healing, and this comes from a sense of being able to measure progress.

What I measure is not my healing, but the healing of my still-damaged parts. I have parts that can be healed, but I myself, dont need healing. I know when a part has healed because that part can no longer be triggered, have reactions, sabotage or interfere with my life. And once that occurs, that part loses its distinction. Maybe it remains separate, maybe it merges with the whole as I often feel. But it no longer does harm to my life. It is healed. As my progress with healing these parts continues, I have less reactions and am triggered less, my life becomes easier and more peaceful, and my body becomes more healthy.

Finally im able to describe what healing actually is for me. Im not healing myself – im fine and always have been. Im healing the wounds of my abuse. My response to that abuse and the damage I suffered is the reaction of a normal human to unbearable trauma. In that way I can measure my healing progress and always have been able to measure it.

My friend the horsefly

2017-01-06

0002 Decided to do an mte process. I had the idea of starting 2 hours ago but I allowed myself to be distracted by my mind that wants to avoid it.

0012 I started and just let whatever come up and it was a strong emotion related to the emotion I felt when the [] woman questioned me. And in my minds eye its the shape of a disk that sits with its top edge at my collarbone, its about 15 cm in diameter and about 2 cm thick, and it sits under my skin in the front, reaching down to my sternum, and its purpose is to suppress my desire to speak out. It is programming and my age regarding this thing is 6. Again another thing from when I was 6. A lot of programming was done then, about grade 1 or 2. My grade 2 teacher is the only one I cant recall, I can vaguely recall the Indian woman grade 1 teacher. And clearly recall Sr Eleanor the grade 3 teacher.

0042 section 2. The disc has now become an unfilled ring of the same size and location. Its not metal but its still the same hard material, not plastic, but something stiff, strong. It seems the be at the same age, the same thing but not complete. Maybe a beginning of its formation, or a residue of its part removal. Its about the same thing, keeping me quiet, shut up programming. But its not a threat of consequences, its more like a choking feeling but not around my neck, its behind that disk/ring.

0117 I went through the drowsiness of section 2, and didnt write the details, just kept on with it. At the start, I went from the unfilled ring, to 2 spots that kind of line up with the side and bottom edges of the ring, one on each side. They represented my resistance to the gift, and gave me an age of 7. So, perhaps it was my response to the programming. Now, in the next shift, I’m less drowsy and the location that came up is in the center of these 2 spots, a vertical thin line that indicated it was a stab wound. Its kind of at my heart, but directly in the center. Its about 4 cm long, and less than 1 cm wide, and a point at the ends. And it has a kind of white color. The disk was gray. There doesn’t seem to be an age, but I feel I’m a child in this stage, where I have his location come up.

0139 in section 3, and after the previous shift, I had a spot come up with really strong feeling, of tightness and its a fuzzy spot about 5 cm in diameter, round, located at the bottom end of my sternum. The feeling is surprisingly strong. I went into it and I just got a man letting out a groan. No particular age, but an adult. And no sensation of pain, but discomfort, and incapacitation, laying down, not able to get up. Just a 1 second visualization. I dont know what’s happening.

0208 finished the 3 sections, and at the end that feeling at the base of my sternum isn’t strong now. But I didnt find out from my visualization what actually happened to cause that situation. No problem, some shifting has been done.

0221 now I’m not sleepy, I’m thinking. About that time at [] school where I believe I was manipulated to commit a crime, but that manipulation failed. I was in that situation at the pond, and my behavior was inappropriate, yet my awareness was so focused on something trivial I couldn’t see the obvious reality of my behavior. Fortunately, a horse fly bit me and broke the trance. Immediately I was able to see the reality of the situation, and stop my inappropriate behavior while simultaneously shocked at the situation I was in. I have previously written about that trance state, and how I now understand that its associated with being manipulated. At the time of the event, I didnt realize it. Once I discovered that erna had been talking to Derek and Beth (at least), I became suspicious. I confronted erna about it and she denied it, but I believed Beth, who told me about speaking to erna on the phone.

Since that time ive been a bit afraid of being manipulated again. And I think erna did so when I visited her with Eva years later n 2005. But I have managed to not be manipulated into doing anything bad, just kept silent by that most recent manipulation. For a while. Then in 2007, I last had contact with erna by phone, when I asked for some money, so I could do the Chris Howard course. After that, I had a little contact with her by writing, when I was trying to get my name off the properties, but I couldn’t do that until after erna became demented – and Sandra was happy to cooperate with getting my name off the properties. I haven’t had any contact with them after that was completed and the notification of ernas death. No desire to have contact with any of them. Glad they are gone and all their money is gone.

So anyway, If the horse fly hadnt bit me and snapped me out of the trance, I’m not sure if I would have gone on and done something harmful to others. Now I dont have that fear, I have deprogrammed myself too much for that to work on me. But I still fear reprogramming, even though I haven’t been reprogrammed since I was 14 (i think). It took me 15 years to start breaking out of that.

0240 had a tiny cry arise. And a yawn, which makes me wonder how the yawn response, that is related to shut up programming, has been affected by my latest healing.

I have avoided this healing for days. Once done, I appreciate getting down to it. But its difficult and uncomfortable to do, because my programming fights against it.

The keeper of the child prisoners

2017 Feb 22:
2037 I’m doing a visualization, returning to the underground dungeons visualization, where many many small versions of me are trapped underground in cells. I went there as my real size, a giant to them, and tore up a section, and released many, maybe 20. After asking them if there were more, and them indicating there were, I got the suggestion that the whole area was filled with dungeons under my feet, comprising at least thousands of little me’s trapped underground. So I set the released ones to releasing more. I asked the keeper of them all to come forward and it was a young me, late primary school. I gave him a new job as releaser instead of keeper, and I put out my hand to shake his as a contract and he held out his fist to be shaken. I asked what he had in his hand and he opened his right hand to show something dark, like a black stone, something hard to make out. So I decided to write about it before proceeding.
2048 I took the black stone from his palm and threw it on the ground. He became scared, said he would die if he let it go. I asked who told him and he just referred to “them”, but with that came images of a few men, some in white lab coats. I picked up the stone and crushed it to a powder with my thumb and forefinger. And talked to the keeper about them and us, and explained they are liars. He said he hasnt seen them since they told him those things all that time ago. He was still scared, but then after some more talking, then he agreed to be a releaser, so we both raised our hands palm down and impelled the cover of the ground to peel off and release those trapped. We both said “release” and with his power over the situation, the surface peeled back and released thousands of tiny me’s. With that command of release came strong emotion and a little tears. It was a big release. Important. After this, he realized that they lied and he can now be with me again.
2105 I originally went into my visualization with the intention of rescuing, and then of course I had to spend the time with those rescued to connect, or the healing effect isn’t strong. I just sometimes want to rescue and get out before any serious emotions arise. But its a necessary part of the process to stick around to sort out what needs to be done. So I did.