An origin of self hate

The emotional response to being thwarted – anger – can also be directed at the self.

In a previous post, I explained the pain of carrying the decision to surrender, to minimize abuse. Mixed together in that pain, is the anger from being thwarted. However, that anger is partly directed at the self.

In ritual abuse, the decision to surrender to minimize the abuse, is intentionally forced onto child victims. Subconsciously or otherwise, it is intentional. It also allows the abuser to externalize blame for the abuse. After that decision, the victim is still thwarted, but differently. In response, anger is still generated.

That generated anger is now associated with the decision to surrender – the decision made by the self. The mind observes the cause and effect of deciding to surrender, and the subsequent lessened abuse. The abuse supposedly ‘agreed to’ – under duress.

Abusers strengthen this association with phrases like “you deserve it”, “you brought it on yourself”, “its because of what you did/didnt do”, “you chose it”, etc. These persistently blaming phrases help to connect the anger with the self, and are present in psychological abuse of both children and adults.

That anger is attached to, and directed at, the self. If there is enough anger, it will manifest as self-hate.

Despite the mind being used as a weapon against itself, it also has built-in mechanisms to heal. Emotions continually work to maintain mental health, if allowed. Grieving ‘dissolves’ anger.

Ending My Catastrophic Thinking

A few months ago I had another overreaction to something that happened, and I later analyzed the pattern of thinking involved. (Usually I let it pass without special attention)

I realized that I have a part of my mind, that thinks up the worst possible outcome for situations – then causes me to be angry about it. Especially about upcoming events. It does this about imaginary things – not about real situations. The result is that a lot of angry energy is wasted on an internal rant about a fictitious situation that will never happen. It wastes my life energy on fiction. Theres more than one circumstance that can lead to catastrophic thinking. For me, its internal separate parts that carry out that task.

I used a minds eye visualization to follow the anger to the source. It was a 5yr old me, who only cared about fighting and being angry. I wanted to rescue and merge that part, but when he realized it meant leaving that place, he didnt want to go, he just wanted to stay and fight. I didnt know what to do with the situation. I ‘captured a snapshot / made a bookmark’ (by willing it to exist) so that I could easily pick up where I left off.

For a couple of days, I was at a loss about how to heal that part. I realized that being angry about terrible imaginary outcomes, is one of the worst things that happens in my life as an adult. It sabotages so much, especially my stability of mind and life. Its just psychological self harm – thats its purpose. It was created by my sicko abusers to sabotage my whole life.

Then, in another visualization, I returned to that part, and confronted it. I was mean and abusive to it. I told it how useless it was, and that it was a part intentionally turned against me. It kept resisting and I kept attacking. I said I will fight it until it agrees to merge with me. I made it clear how I felt about it. It asked if I hated it. I said I hated what it did.
Eventually it started to give in a little. Then I tried to start a merging. It still resisted, but I was able to get it inside myself. It was still struggling a bit, but at least I got it started. I left it at that.

Now, months later, I had forgotten about doing this healing work. I was reminded of it by reviewing what I recorded about it. I had already realized that I have recently been much more calm, and have had much less catastrophic thinking. I had put it down to the overall effect of doing healing visualizations. Although that is true, now I see that it is mostly the result of this specific healing visualization that I did.

Usually in my visualizations, I am pretty kind to parts that I find and rescue, and take time to explain to them the reality of their situation. They are usually unaware that I exist as an older person. Many are initially reluctant about getting rescued from their isolation.

However, on rare occasions, an opposite strategy is needed. Maybe I have done this only twice, in many years of healing work. I will only do it if that is what is needed. I know that I am dealing with parts of myself that were split off by abuse. The vast majority need welcoming and kindness. Almost everything has its exceptions.

I want to make it clear that this is what worked for my situation. Its not a suggestion that this should be used by others – or not used – with parts that have the job of catastrophic thinking. And its not the only way to heal inner parts. Im seriously warning against being aggressive with separated inner parts, for frivolous reasons, or just to see if it will work – they are the SELF. I use it only when my higher self (IN-tuition) indicates it is to be used – and then only after trying the usual way.

Learning I could safely let out frustrations

1989-06-01 Thursday

“As I come to the end of this book, I near the end of my sanity. It is becoming easier to let out my frustrations violently. I get frustrated at all sorts of things, now, the littlest, most stupid things piss me off. Finishing the [] essay was a great relief, but every time I think of the other shit going down, I get so pissed off. I feel like smashing something. I haven’t got my licence to allow me to legally thrash out my frustrations. Its really fucked me up.”

2018-02-05 additional information

This was written at a time where I had begun to reduce my restrictions of my feelings a little. Not much, but I allowed myself to be more expressive, less ‘zomboid’, than I had been in the past. Rather than totally pushing down any anger that arose, I let out a little and occasionally smashed things that werent really important in the long run. At  this time, I realized that I could let out some anger and it didnt result in an uncontrollable cascade into extreme violence. This was pretty important.

The reference to the end of the book is about my journal book. In those times I rarely wrote and filling a book was a significant event.

Anger at certain people

2017-11-07

1756 I have anger arising. In my minds eye I am targeting it at Quentin Tarantino. I imagined him trying to kill me for speaking out and instead I dodge his baseball bat swing and smash his face in with my elbow, and then as he lay on the ground I jump and land with my knee in his groin smashing his pelvis. I say to him in my minds eye that we have met before and he is a pedophile that raped me. My anger toward him and disgust for him is pretty big.

I regularly have thoughts like this but I don’t write them down because I doubt them. I don’t know why I have so much hate for certain people that I have apparently never met. But even if I don’t have any justification for the association, it’s there and I need to express it, acknowledge it, in order to heal.

1917 had a rest after releasing emotion, having a short cry, then I went into that feeling and found a young me, maybe early tech school, that was desperately lashing out at people surrounding him who were trying to hurt him or attack him somehow. I rescued him from that situation and then started to process that. There wasn’t much to learn, just needed to destroy that scene. But that wasn’t easy. I had to keep returning to that place above my timeline and fighting off exhaustion and sleepiness, to complete the destruction of that scene. I eventually did so with huge explosives. Finally it was destroyed after almost losing touch with it. And then the young me was calm, happy-ish. Not defensive or lashing out. Just freed from that. It wasn’t possible for him to free himself.

Slave anger

2017-09-28

1724 On the way home I dropped in to check mail. None. But I had an anger reaction to that, and part of my mind felt something that should be mine was kept from me. I let out a bit of anger but I didnt dig up that inner self.

1728 let out a short burst of sobbing tears. Because I closed my eyes and went to that anger and there was a version of me in the Curdies st backyard and he was furious, about stuff being kept from him. He screamed "you’re keeping it from me!" With so much anger. "I hate you!". And smashing anything he could smash, attacking everything. I let him release more anger. I asked him why he was angry and just got the same screaming replies. After he released a batch of anger and slowed down a bit, I wanted to grab and rescue him, but then the idea popped into my head to ask him, if he wanted to stay with them or leave. He stopped and the anger left. He was stunned and he asked "I can leave?". Then I grabbed him and rose up into the learning position. I realized that his anger was sourced in the powerlessness of believing that was all there is in his life, believing he could never leave. He was unable to imagine adulthood as it seemed to involve independence and that was unimaginable.

1737 before, when I was still having my anger reaction, I thought about the images I go to when I follow the emotion. The visual situations I go to in my minds eye. Are they the memory, or are they the essence of the memories associated with the emotion and belief?

Despite the hypnotism it was still traumatic

2017-03-26

1006 Been having interesting dreams. Earlier I dreamed that some secret service tried to kill me with a bomb, but it failed, I was just hurt.

1933 I had a big emotional release when I got home. First the anger came out that was bubbling up. I spat a lot. It took a while and a lot of anger came out. It was all about pedophiles, and then I was able to have the big cry that was waiting. I felt the emotion pushing up all afternoon. But the emotion was very strong. It needed to be released and Ive been avoiding it for days.

2347 I feel better after my release. I haven’t really dug anything up but I have more clarity that it relates to being forced to do such disgusting things as a child prostitute. I still have a lot of anger about it. No matter that hypnosis and other brainwashing was used, it is still highly traumatic.

Hopelessness

2016 Nov 26

I dont like moods like this. Its as if my life will never be good, and my problems will never go away. I know it will pass but while I’m in it, its as if it will be this way forever.

2310 I listened to the tru video on child sexual exploitation and have released some emotion. I have some anger about it. And it helps me to understand why I still am living isolated from society. Still lack confidence and the capacity to really manifest what I want.

I am still really damaged by my child abuse and I still feel worthless and still feel unsafe to speak out. My feelings of worthlessness still keep me from trying to build anything in my life. I believe that I wont be able to keep at it, that I will give up and everything that I triy to build will collapse and fall apart. I was brainwashed to believe this and it still controls my life, it limits me so much.

The internal barrier to rape trauma

2016 Oct 15

Maybe I can do another healing now.

2231 my subconscious chose my bum as the location to deal with this time. Including inside. And its about getting raped. I’m still a baby and I’m angry that its being done to me. A lot of my anger comes from this. I want them to stop but when it does I’m still angry and I soon learn it will happen again. The feeling of it is like a surge that overwhelms my whole body and mind. It doesn’t just stay down there. In this recollection i don’t know who is raping me and it doesn’t seem to be so relevant to the immediate reaction and feeling.

Shift 2 begins with some leftover from shift 1. Same issue same circumstances. Its one of the strongest emotional charges Ive worked on.

Section 2 shift 1, getting the resistance to the gift. I get this going across my torso at about stomach height. I’m just putting up a barrier to the experience of rape, to try to stop that feeling going through my barrier, to try to keep it away from my head, where I am. Just trying to separate myself from it. Resisting that experience. Wanting it to stop or at least reduce. I think I’m about 3 years old.

Shift 2, the feeling carrying over from shift 1 is now in the front of my solar plexus, I suppose, and its related to an ancient strategy. It came with me. I can now understand that the strategy manifested experiences to challenge it. It relates to being angry at other people, and toward the end of shift 1, I remembered times when my anger at others caused problems, I remembered stuff from Vietnam. So its like this trail of cause and effect is the opposite of the physical point of view, the effect is the cause and what seems like the cause is actually the effect.

Section 3. The leftover from section 2 is now kind of around my lower esophagus, and seems to be related to my digestive system. I didn’t get much info about what its about but its about resisting the rise of something, some feeling or experience.

Shift 2. Kind of at the same place, with same uncertainty about it. The only association or experience that arose was a difficulty to breathe, so I know this is somehow about being able to breathe.

Finished the full healing and couldn’t pay much attention to it, getting sleepy and drowsy.