Holding up the knife after the attack means MKULTRA?

I hear that the man who stabbed the Polish mayor, held up the knife after the attack. This is familiar to me as I also did this.

In grade 5, I attacked a girl in my class that I was obsessed with. Really, I mean grade 5, elementary school. I was about 9 years old. A young kid. This is a memory that I have always had, its not a recovered memory. This behavior is extraordinary for a young child. Normal kids do not attack others with knives.

This attack took place after my regular visits and ‘treatment’ at The Observatory Clinic, a child psychiatry clinic in Melbourne Australia. I was ‘treated’ there in grade 3 and 4.

I attacked her with a knife on the way home from school. In my mind the urge was to slash at her, and also another part of my mind wanted to stop me from doing this. The result was that I slashed at her bag only. I was able to partially stop my programming and avoid harming her. I have always been relieved that I was able to stop myself from harming her, and always ashamed that I attacked her at all. In reality, I was stalking her and maybe I have long suspected that I was ‘assigned to her’.

After the attack, as I walked home, I saw her sister outside another school that she attended, and held the knife in the air, across the road. This was programmed behavior. This was part of the mind control that I was subjected to. In the title I refer to MKULTRA, yet by the time I was brainwashed in the 1970s, MKULTRA was already an old program and mind control technology had developed a lot. I dont know the name of the program I was brainwashed under, but I consider it a later derivative of MKULTRA. It is likely that a different project name was used.

Mind control is required for child prostitution, and also for other things like political attacks, terrorist attacks. In my case, I was brainwashed with multiple roles, and I consider it typical for this to be the case. I suggest that it is the same for the man responsible for the attack on the Polish mayor. It is not a ‘lone wolf’ attack, it is an attack by a group, using a human mind controlled weapon.


Being myself vs pursuing others shoulds

This morning, again I thought about my situation, and how I wake up each morning with some pressure from within about how I should be trying to do something. Be something. Be amazing, admirable in some way to others.

But everything about myself and my life that is amazing and that other people indicate admiration for, has come from me not doing what I think I should – but doing what I need to do to just be me.

So that is something I am coming up against at this time. Myself vs others shoulds. Consciously I choose to be my true self, but many parts of my unhealed mind are still trying to do what others have brainwashed me to think I should do. It’s a lot to overcome, a lot of brainwashing to heal, to undo. That’s what I want to do, heal all that brainwashing, so as to be my true self. Not to be amazing to others – but to just be amazing and satisfying to myself.

Why I tried to stay friends with my exes

Looking back on my life, I see that I usually tried to stay friends with my exes. For so long I didn’t understand why I did this. As I began to heal my relationship wounds, I realized I was trying to stay safe. I tried to stay friends because a part of my mind that feared for my safety was powerful enough to control my actions.

Even after I realized that some of my exes were just arseholes, it took further healing to realize what was really going on. It was my childhood programming.

As a child, I wasn’t free to leave, and I was tormented by women that I had no ability to influence. I couldn’t reject them, or end the relationship. I was forced to be friendly to women that raped, molested and tortured me. I had to, after all they did to me, be friendly, or get punished. I didn’t have to work out the management strategy for myself. It was forced on me.

So, as an adult, my damaged inner child parts continued on this strategy with my intimate relationships. It was the damaged child parts of me that kept me hanging on to contact, usually until the other broke it off. Only when it was obvious they had no further interest in me, could I let it go. And then I enjoyed the relief, at the time a little puzzling, of being free of them.

This was also usually the reason I got into relationships. Often I was just responding to interest from women, from the damaged child part of me. Just as if I was assigned to a woman to serve as her child toy, I allowed my adult self to respond to advances from women. Most of my relationships started like this, and would never have happened if I hadn’t been a survivor of child sex trafficking and ritual abuse. Thats because I wasn’t interested in them, but my programming forced me to comply.

Over time, I got better at not hanging on, not trying to stay in touch. With some I even cut them out while they were still interested in me, which sometimes led to them trying to get revenge for me saying no to them. Some succeeded, leaving me wary of women still now.

Basically, if a woman is attracted to me, I feel there is a chance she is a psychopath. I should be careful not to reject them, but to pretend I haven’t noticed their interest, so that they cant feel offended and then seek revenge. Of course I know most women aren’t like this, and many would be offended at the suggestion. But those women aren’t the kind that have been attracted to me. Energy vampires have been attracted to me.

Ive never had a relationship that wasn’t corrupted by the influence of my damaged child parts. These days, I don’t keep in touch with any ex. I decided to cut them all out of my life, just to clear that issue from my future. Perhaps in the future, after further healing, I may even get to experience a relationship as a human being, rather than as an adult child prostitute. But its not a great priority for me.

They threatened … “You’re very brave”

It is often said to those speaking out about past abuse, “You’re very brave.” Or something similar. As long as it includes the word “brave”, that’s what matters.

I find it very triggering when I hear it, and I have awareness that it was said to me as a child, and it was something to fear.

In ritual abuse, I have the awareness that saying this is a threat. Its not a compliment. It is saying ‘you are very brave to do or say something that you know you will be punished for’. It implies foreknowledge of the punishment assigned to such a deed. It implies that the act was done in defiance, or because of being naughty. The phrase is code, especially when used on adults. It is designed to trigger silence programming.

So when I hear this said to people speaking out about past abuse, I immediately suspect a ritual abuse source. Its not guaranteed, but it is possible until proven otherwise. I know that some parents that are not involved in ritual abuse, use this phrase in this way, I’ve heard it used scowlingly to small children in public. And some people say this as a compliment, in a tone of voice that matches the meaning. The context exposes the intention and true meaning.

My Investment in My True Path

It was brought to my attention, by a language channel’s recent video on how to motivate continued progress in learning (JapanesePod101) – that described tips to assist in learning – that one great benefit to learning a new language is having an investment to lose.

This got me asking myself, as I clearly have made a commitment to my healing path: What investment have I made in my path of healing, that could be lost?

It took a bit of analysis and pushing through some mental barriers.

I must, as a necessity, have made in investment in my true path, for me to continually proceed, with my healing work, otherwise I would not have continued for decades. For an extended moment, I struggled to realize what my investment was. But then, it was clear.

My investment in my path in life was what I had discarded. The opportunities and path in life that I have discarded as options. I have discarded things like career, family, wealth, a good name – many kinds of prosperity I have discarded – but for what?

I have discarded these things because I cannot bear them. In this way, I have trusted the universe to have the wisdom, or at least the foresight, to lay out the best path for me. And I have done this out of desperation – of having every door closed upon me – of having every opportunity thrown in my face as an insult to my value as a human being.

I cannot keep a hold of these socially-valuable opportunities, possessions – these external things – they are so injurious to my peaceful mindset. They are not for me. I didnt control these things. It is more accurate to admit that the universe, life, is living through me, and I am just a vessel for phenomena to express. It is the universe that sets my path and decorates me with the tools and ‘leanness’ to travel my path.

Notes on a guided healing process relating to resistance to healing work

Trigger warning: Brief description of a satanic ritual.

For the first time in quite a while, im doing a healing process guided by tools created by Melanie Tonia Evans. The process involves 3 pairs of shifts.


As I began and searched for what was a significant feeling for me at the time, I went to a feeling that was like a large beach ball sized bubble surrounding my head and arms and upper torso, and it blocks my awareness of my world. And the feeling that comes with it is strange, a kind of shaking or agitation, but not negative, just kind of baffled, shaken, unaware. It’s a strange sensation. And some tears came with the visualization, but they weren’t associated with a feeling of grief. There was a lot of detachment.

After shift 1.1, the feeling that was with me was tension around the base of my neck and it really seems related to hands around my neck, from behind. Im primary school age. At first, not sure if it’s associated with my ‘primary school biscuit choking incident’, but I sense its an adults hands anyway, and im not choking on anything. So its not that. And the tension is like a burning feeling in my skin and muscles, like a Chinese burn feels like.

Starting section 2 (second pair of shifts) about my resistance to what I have uncovered. I found myself as a child, laying on my back, wanting whatever is happening to not happen – I don’t want to experience it, I don’t want to go through it.

I now understand that this is my resistance. The event must be experienced and endured and accepted. And it’s the same for my resistance to the healing work, because that part of me doesn’t want to go through it again, as it feels it is still back there and its really going to happen again.

But im not back there and healing myself is not the same as going through it again. An important realization about the nature of my resistance and stuckness, during the last few months, where my physical health has deteriorated.

So that’s an important realization about my resistance, that my unhealed parts react as if they are back there, and this avoid healing work, as to them, it is no different than the real thing, so they do whatever they can to avoid going back there in reality or memory. My resistance is caused by parts of me that don’t know my abuse is in the past, but believe there is more to come, and any sign of it approaching makes them desperately try to avoid it.

After shift 2.1, I merged with that child me, and he now understands that it’s a memory and so he sat up on the altar in the memory, and according to what was in the visualization, he was sitting on an altar and there were about 10 or so adults there, frozen, not moving, as if time had stopped. The child me in the memory, took the man in the cloak standing behind the altar, holding up a knife as if to stab the child me, and laid him on the altar and got another woman to stand in his place and stab him in the heart with the knife. But they are all frozen in time still, like dummies.

Then I realized that a resistance I have, is wanting revenge. But I know that to take revenge is to undo the repayment and it must be repaid again somehow.

Also, in the visualization, I wasn’t stabbed, so perhaps there was something done to make me think I had been stabbed, or just threatened to be stabbed. Im not sure. I was just a kid, it was easy to trick me. Anyway, that’s my resistance to deal with in this shift. Also, the kid that wants revenge is not the same one as merged with before, this one is a different part of me.

Another thing about this process, compared to past healing work with this tool, is that im concentrating less, pushing less to get that result, so I have more thoughts about other things coming in from outside, distracting me a little. But the process is proceeding anyway.

This visualization of an alter and pretend or threatened sacrifice, is, I think, maybe the second one I’ve had about a satanic ritual, coming up during a healing process. That I can recall right now anyway. The first one came out nearly 20 years ago and all this time I’ve had some awareness of there being more but not recalling anything significant. Interesting. And the feeling of this one is different, less stressful, less terrible. There doesn’t seem to be a dead child in this visualization.

Starting section 3. I had an interesting visualization and merged with the child from the altar, but then there was another me from the altar that couldn’t let go of the need for revenge, even the need to make them stop their crimes. So I had 2 child me’s, like twins, one helping me and one resisting me. The resisting one hasn’t fully merged with me, but is kind of sticking out my left side, still wanting to make justice happen, rather than letting natural justice take its course.

Now in shift 3.2, I have merged with the part that wanted revenge and to stop them.

And then for a short time, I wasn’t sure what was left in the healing process. But a feeling of irritation came to my esophagus. So I will process on that. There is the feeling and also the awareness that something has happened but I don’t know what it was. I just have a sore esophagus and don’t know why. And im aware that something happened to it but I don’t remember it.

Then, after referring to that feeling, I didn’t write about it after the end of the process, so it is left hanging, to be picked up again another time.

A note on the feeling of merging. It is like a shiver in my torso, the same as always. Not sure why its that, but it just has always been like that.

I dont need an excuse to follow my gut feelings

For a long time i tolerated a person that creeped me out, but didn’t do anything obviously wrong. my gut tells me this person is pretending to be a survivor and is one of the most active list member i ha e ever met. But never describing any personal healing work, only referring to doing so. And just come tiny endlessly on posts in a way that just creeps me out.

i dont know if others on these lists react in the same way to this person. I haven’t asked anyone because i didn’t feel justified in my feeling, i didnt have the supporting evidence my mi d demanded.

Now i decided that i have had enough of ignoring my gut feelings! I dont need evidence to support it. The feelings are their own evidence! I can act on them without justification! So i have done so.

From now on I will act on my gut feelings without justification.