Trigger warning: Brief description of a satanic ritual.
For the first time in quite a while, im doing a healing process guided by tools created by Melanie Tonia Evans. The process involves 3 pairs of shifts.
As I began and searched for what was a significant feeling for me at the time, I went to a feeling that was like a large beach ball sized bubble surrounding my head and arms and upper torso, and it blocks my awareness of my world. And the feeling that comes with it is strange, a kind of shaking or agitation, but not negative, just kind of baffled, shaken, unaware. It’s a strange sensation. And some tears came with the visualization, but they weren’t associated with a feeling of grief. There was a lot of detachment.
After shift 1.1, the feeling that was with me was tension around the base of my neck and it really seems related to hands around my neck, from behind. Im primary school age. At first, not sure if it’s associated with my ‘primary school biscuit choking incident’, but I sense its an adults hands anyway, and im not choking on anything. So its not that. And the tension is like a burning feeling in my skin and muscles, like a Chinese burn feels like.
Starting section 2 (second pair of shifts) about my resistance to what I have uncovered. I found myself as a child, laying on my back, wanting whatever is happening to not happen – I don’t want to experience it, I don’t want to go through it.
I now understand that this is my resistance. The event must be experienced and endured and accepted. And it’s the same for my resistance to the healing work, because that part of me doesn’t want to go through it again, as it feels it is still back there and its really going to happen again.
But im not back there and healing myself is not the same as going through it again. An important realization about the nature of my resistance and stuckness, during the last few months, where my physical health has deteriorated.
So that’s an important realization about my resistance, that my unhealed parts react as if they are back there, and this avoid healing work, as to them, it is no different than the real thing, so they do whatever they can to avoid going back there in reality or memory. My resistance is caused by parts of me that don’t know my abuse is in the past, but believe there is more to come, and any sign of it approaching makes them desperately try to avoid it.
After shift 2.1, I merged with that child me, and he now understands that it’s a memory and so he sat up on the altar in the memory, and according to what was in the visualization, he was sitting on an altar and there were about 10 or so adults there, frozen, not moving, as if time had stopped. The child me in the memory, took the man in the cloak standing behind the altar, holding up a knife as if to stab the child me, and laid him on the altar and got another woman to stand in his place and stab him in the heart with the knife. But they are all frozen in time still, like dummies.
Then I realized that a resistance I have, is wanting revenge. But I know that to take revenge is to undo the repayment and it must be repaid again somehow.
Also, in the visualization, I wasn’t stabbed, so perhaps there was something done to make me think I had been stabbed, or just threatened to be stabbed. Im not sure. I was just a kid, it was easy to trick me. Anyway, that’s my resistance to deal with in this shift. Also, the kid that wants revenge is not the same one as merged with before, this one is a different part of me.
Another thing about this process, compared to past healing work with this tool, is that im concentrating less, pushing less to get that result, so I have more thoughts about other things coming in from outside, distracting me a little. But the process is proceeding anyway.
This visualization of an alter and pretend or threatened sacrifice, is, I think, maybe the second one I’ve had about a satanic ritual, coming up during a healing process. That I can recall right now anyway. The first one came out nearly 20 years ago and all this time I’ve had some awareness of there being more but not recalling anything significant. Interesting. And the feeling of this one is different, less stressful, less terrible. There doesn’t seem to be a dead child in this visualization.
Starting section 3. I had an interesting visualization and merged with the child from the altar, but then there was another me from the altar that couldn’t let go of the need for revenge, even the need to make them stop their crimes. So I had 2 child me’s, like twins, one helping me and one resisting me. The resisting one hasn’t fully merged with me, but is kind of sticking out my left side, still wanting to make justice happen, rather than letting natural justice take its course.
Now in shift 3.2, I have merged with the part that wanted revenge and to stop them.
And then for a short time, I wasn’t sure what was left in the healing process. But a feeling of irritation came to my esophagus. So I will process on that. There is the feeling and also the awareness that something has happened but I don’t know what it was. I just have a sore esophagus and don’t know why. And im aware that something happened to it but I don’t remember it.
Then, after referring to that feeling, I didn’t write about it after the end of the process, so it is left hanging, to be picked up again another time.
A note on the feeling of merging. It is like a shiver in my torso, the same as always. Not sure why its that, but it just has always been like that.