A few months ago I had another overreaction to something that happened, and I later analyzed the pattern of thinking involved. (Usually I let it pass without special attention)
I realized that I have a part of my mind, that thinks up the worst possible outcome for situations – then causes me to be angry about it. Especially about upcoming events. It does this about imaginary things – not about real situations. The result is that a lot of angry energy is wasted on an internal rant about a fictitious situation that will never happen. It wastes my life energy on fiction. Theres more than one circumstance that can lead to catastrophic thinking. For me, its internal separate parts that carry out that task.
I used a minds eye visualization to follow the anger to the source. It was a 5yr old me, who only cared about fighting and being angry. I wanted to rescue and merge that part, but when he realized it meant leaving that place, he didnt want to go, he just wanted to stay and fight. I didnt know what to do with the situation. I ‘captured a snapshot / made a bookmark’ (by willing it to exist) so that I could easily pick up where I left off.
For a couple of days, I was at a loss about how to heal that part. I realized that being angry about terrible imaginary outcomes, is one of the worst things that happens in my life as an adult. It sabotages so much, especially my stability of mind and life. Its just psychological self harm – thats its purpose. It was created by my sicko abusers to sabotage my whole life.
Then, in another visualization, I returned to that part, and confronted it. I was mean and abusive to it. I told it how useless it was, and that it was a part intentionally turned against me. It kept resisting and I kept attacking. I said I will fight it until it agrees to merge with me. I made it clear how I felt about it. It asked if I hated it. I said I hated what it did.
Eventually it started to give in a little. Then I tried to start a merging. It still resisted, but I was able to get it inside myself. It was still struggling a bit, but at least I got it started. I left it at that.
Now, months later, I had forgotten about doing this healing work. I was reminded of it by reviewing what I recorded about it. I had already realized that I have recently been much more calm, and have had much less catastrophic thinking. I had put it down to the overall effect of doing healing visualizations. Although that is true, now I see that it is mostly the result of this specific healing visualization that I did.
Usually in my visualizations, I am pretty kind to parts that I find and rescue, and take time to explain to them the reality of their situation. They are usually unaware that I exist as an older person. Many are initially reluctant about getting rescued from their isolation.
However, on rare occasions, an opposite strategy is needed. Maybe I have done this only twice, in many years of healing work. I will only do it if that is what is needed. I know that I am dealing with parts of myself that were split off by abuse. The vast majority need welcoming and kindness. Almost everything has its exceptions.
I want to make it clear that this is what worked for my situation. Its not a suggestion that this should be used by others – or not used – with parts that have the job of catastrophic thinking. And its not the only way to heal inner parts. Im seriously warning against being aggressive with separated inner parts, for frivolous reasons, or just to see if it will work – they are the SELF. I use it only when my higher self (IN-tuition) indicates it is to be used – and then only after trying the usual way.
One thought on “Ending My Catastrophic Thinking”
Thank you for sharing. It was brave and cool what you did.
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