Separation from my body to escape suffering

These days, self-integrity is really important to me. I will sacrifice comfort, convenience and opprotunity to retain and regain my self-integrity. I understand the consequence of a divided mind – weighing me down with internal conflicts and the energy required to keep track of all the inconsistencies and when to allow or forbid each one.

As a child, i had no understanding of my self-integrity or its value. I was motivated by the experience of the moment. I cared about minimizing suffering and maximizing enjoyment. This meant mentally separating from my body to minimise the suffering of abuse. As the abuse included my head, i also separated from my head, my own face, and restricted my personal space to a small volume within my skull. I created an alternative reality in there to compensate for the loss of my connection to my physical reality. A place to hang out in my mind.

I had been aware of this separation, but recently i became aware of something much more difficult to admit to myself. Not only did i withdraw from the abuse, I participated in it in a way that seemed to me to reduce the suffering. That meant proactively behaving in a way that I believed would make the abusers nicer to me, and it probably worked. Yet it meant pretending to be attracted to, and turned on my abusers, who i found disgusting.

This is not news to me. For decades I have had disturbing ‘flashbacks’ of such appeasement. These were so disgusting to me – an awful experience to have such things arise in my mind without warning. Despite knowing this, I tried to avoid it, to make it go away. I couldnt. I just didnt want to deal with the idea that i helped them abuse me. When I recently admitted that I did this kiind of appeasement, I released a lot of grief about it.

Some people describe this as “fawning”, the act of trying to appease the abuser to lessen the abuse – its part of the set “Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Feign, Flirt” – that describes the different responses to trauma.

PostEdit – A commenter reminded me of “Feign”, and Im adding “Flirt” to the list to make 6. I also think there may be a reason to add a word for hypochondria to the list, as some use that, to guilt the abuser into not abusing.

For me, appeasing the abuser is an extremely offensive thing, its disgusting. Those pedophiles are human scum. Especially difficult to admit is pretending to be attracted to and to act as if I liked the abuser. I understand that it meant less torture, less nastiness from the abuusers. But as a child, i was unable to see the bigger picture, to see the consequences of this. I chose to perform to avoid suffering. I was in a mindset of present experience, and did what it took to make that present experience less awful, less traumatic. I had no awareness of the deep harmful effects in my mind. Only now that I am healing from the abuse am i becoming aware of the unforseen consequences.

I forgive my young self, for doing what he could to lessen the suffering. I will continue with my work to heal all the harm that was done to my mind. It is such a relief to purge these trapped conflicts from my mind.

8 thoughts on “Separation from my body to escape suffering

  1. I hear you Gary, I believe you. I do not blame you in the least.

    I love the phrase “”Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn” — I’ve never before heard “Gawn” used with “Fight Flight Freeze”. But it makes perfect sense. Well done!

    the act of trying to appease the abuser to lessen the abuse – its part of the set “Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn” – that describes the different responses to trauma.


    1. Thanks Barbara. I think i got the freeze and fawn additions for the responses to trauma, from a hawaiian lady. Cant recall exactly. And i wasnt sure if i forgot a fifth one or not. I still have the feeling there is one more that i forgot.


      1. If there is a fifth one, maybe it is “Feign”.

        Feigning — pretending to like what you don’t like — is what a fawning recipient of abuse does to try to lessen the abuse.


      2. Wow, thanks Gary! Maybe the Holy Spirit put the word “Feign” into my head.

        And I like “Flirt” too. I understand why some recipients of abuse might ‘flirt’ with their abusers. Abusers often TRAIN their victims to be flirtatious. By training and conditioning the victim to be flirtatious, many of the abuser’s goals and agendas can be furthered.

        I myself was not a recipient (to my knowledge) of MK-Ultra or satanist/ luciferian/ ritual abuse or sex trafficking. But I was a recipient of ‘ordinary’ sexual abuse in childhood… I was digitally raped by a person I knew well, who approached me intentionally to molest me when I was asleep. I think that person was driven by a demon at the time.

        Being a female, I was also subjected to the cultural conditioning that trains females to accept the way men treat them as sex objects. My childhood sexual abuse and that cultural conditioning combined to lead me to become very flirtatious and promiscuous in my late teens and early twenties. Then I was born again (God revealed Jesus to me as my Lord and Saviour and friend). It took me a while to shed my former habits and mindset, but for many years now I have not been flirtatious, let alone promiscuous. I now adhere to and uphold biblical ethics re sexuality.

        Liked by 1 person

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