Living my fears

2017-09-25

2245 I was listening to "the impersonal life" and I had a realization that I’m afraid of being stupid, so I stopped and did a decision destroyer on it. When I was going back I noticed that I specifically chose to stop at a point that was less far back than I could have gone and I went back to a classroom. I was being told *you’re stupid", angrily by a female teacher or someone. I really believed her, because I didnt know, and she’s an adult who knows stuff. I just accepted it but I felt really sad about it. So I corrected that belief and I discovered that I believed that because I was stupid, I couldn’t do stuff, and that is a big part of my helplessness and not trying to achieve things, as well as expecting to be sabotaged.

2302 I repeated the decision destroyer to continue back further, and I went back to a previous life, but when I stopped, I didnt go down onto a surface, I just stayed floating in the air. At first I was puzzled then I got a flash of what was really going on. I was being hanged. I realized that I had the perception that I did something stupid. I learned that it wasn’t because I was stupid, but because I was detached from reality and I didnt see what I was doing – or what the consequence would be. I didnt see the reality of my life. And I was reminded of the [] times where the noose was used to threaten me, and another time when [] said "you’re silly*, and also when [] said "you are stupid". Perhaps these are all connected to that event.

But actually I’m not stupid. I was deluded, detached from reality, unable to see what was going on – and it appeared to some others that I was stupid. Also in high school I was teased by the bullies, who called me stupid. Its like a motif of my life. But I know I’m smart. Its just that there are some things I dont get, that most other people get easily. And its because I have a way of thinking that blocks me from seeing the simple reality of situations.

So I decided that I want to put evidence first, and I want to see the reality of the moment in front of me. I want to see my life and my situation as it really is, not how I have been taught to see it – not how my deepest fears cause me to see it. I realize that this is an ongoing issue, lifetime after lifetime. Because I carry false fears and beliefs that prevent me from seeing reality. These beliefs stop me from seeing the reality of my life, and thus set me up for being deluded and appearing stupid.

So what are these beliefs that cause me to not see reality? I suppose they would be fear of reality, the reality that I cannot see. There must be a good reason for that. I am pretty blind to the social reality, so I must have a massive fear of it. How does that fear work? My fear is of community. And I’m reminded of the movie "highlander", where he is rejected by his community because he’s different in a way that scares his community. That scene stays with me and I have remembered it many times. I fear community. And I exclude it from my life. Why? What’s this about?

I live my fears! Lifetime after lifetime. And my life is full of clues about my fears, which are beliefs. So many little events reflect my fears and beliefs. I see now that I can use these, and that I have not totally realized the clarity of it. It’s a little overwhelming to see my life that way, but I also realize that its a really helpful and useful tool for my recovery.